Grover Norquist Has Nothing to Fear from You Puny Republicans:
Stubble-faced dickwad of fiscal doom, Grover Norquist, a man who looks like he masturbates to videos of people putting firecrackers in the mouths of toads, should calm the fuck down. Every Republican talking smack about him now ain't gonna do jackshit about tax rates. Sure, Norquist has been stubbornly dogmatic that closing loopholes and capping deductions is akin to a black-helmeted IRS agent gutting Granny's cat and strangling her with its intestines. But if he'd slap that passive aggressive boner down, put away the semen encrusted list of potential primary opponents for Jeff Flake and Saxby Chambliss, and relax, he'd see that the seven (as of now) Republicans who have said they will violate Norquist's "We are never ever getting higher taxes" pledge are just playing games.

For instance, look at the brave and mighty stand that Tennessee's Bob Corker takes against what has been the raison d'etre for fiscal conservatives. In yesterday's Washington Post, Corker offers this profile in courage: "The [GOP's worthless smear of sputum] proposal includes pro-growth federal tax reform, which generates more static revenue — mostly from very high-income Americans — by capping federal deductions at $50,000 without raising tax rates." Remember when Mitt Romney couldn't name a definite number for where to limit deductions and he fumbled around with $17,000 or $25,000? That seems positively like wild and woolly bolshevik talk compared to this.

Oh, and Corker wants you to know that average Joes and Janes are gonna have to ante up their share, too, by dicking over federal workers: "It mandates common-sense reforms to the federal workforce, which will help bring its compensation in line with private-sector benefits, and implements a chained consumer price index across the government, a more accurate indicator of inflation." Or, you know, it cuts their benefits and future wages so that people who work for the federal government can be treated like dogshit just like the proles in the private sector.

Then Corker wants to kick Granny right in the twat: "It also includes comprehensive Medicare reform that keeps in place fee-for-service Medicare without capping growth, competing side by side with private options that seniors can choose instead if they wish." Add to that "gradual age increases within Medicare and Social Security; the introduction of means testing; [and] increasing premiums ever so slightly for those making more than $50,000 a year in retirement." Motherfucker's got $50,000 on the brain. It must have been how much Corker paid that mule owner in Chattanooga for not giving away how often and how vigorously the senator balls a hot little molly named Bessie. By the way, hiking rates on people making more than 50 grand seems like, you know, a tax on the working and middle class elderly. But, shhhh. Don't tell Grover. (Oh, wait, that's not a "tax hike." But cutting the deduction on private jets or something? Totally communist.)

The terms of the fiscal cliff debate for Republicans are that the only way they'll raise revenue is through the same magical deduction-cappin' and loophole-closin' that Romney/Ryan lost on. Every Republican supposedly standing up to Norquist has said so. The Senate's most pissed-off Munchkin, John McCain, said as much on one of the goddamn Sunday shows: "I would be very much opposed to raising tax rates, but I do believe we can close a lot of loopholes." And what are those loopholes? Why, "charitable giving" and "home loan mortgage" deductions. Or, you know, ones that'll make sure that plenty of middle class households pay, too.

And, since John McCain and Lindsey Graham are like a circular human centipede, eating the same shit in an endless loop, Graham, sounding like the prettiest boy in Scarlett O'Hara drag, opined, "I will not raise tax rates to do it. I will cap deductions." He took the slightly less obscene stand of putting the cap at the "$30,000, $40,000 range," thus demonstrating once again that Republicans only pretend they have a plan.

All of them, Tom Coburn, the vile Chambliss, the viler Peter King, are pretending they are willing to be brave; all of them are children, pissing themselves.

As for Norquist, that smug cockknob is doing what he always does: relishing the attention that he gets for holding the nation's finances hostage, laughing off the defections because he knows that, no matter what, he will have perpetrated one of the great ideological con jobs in modern history, a scam that was blessed back in the day by the great and terrible Reagan.

(Note: The Rude Pundit could have punched Norquist in his fat face a few years ago. They were standing together in a hotel lobby in Austin. The Rude Pundit restrained himself. Not enough liquor, not enough people to bail him out. Opportunities are fleeting in this life.)