A Few Brief Notes to Republicans on the Day After Their Defeat by Barack Obama:
In four of the last five presidential elections, you lost the popular vote (we won't get into the fact that you really lost four of the last five elections completely). Is that telling you something? No, it's not. Because you're Republicans. And you don't care what reality is. You prefer to attempt to bend reality like a contortionist porn actor trying and failing to lick his own taint from behind.
You lost. It wasn't close. It wasn't a squeaker. It wasn't a nailbiter. All of your internal magical mathematicians were wrong. It was over the second the polls closed on the West Coast because it was over before the election even started. It was over because you nominated a fraud, a Tin Man who spent the entire campaign looking for a heart not because he really wanted one but because his advisors told him that he needed one. It was over because whatever else he tried to be, Mitt Romney was as close to a caricature of a rich dick as you could get without looking like he was merely plagiarizing The Simpsons or Dickens. It was over because, despite every effort to smear and lie about the President, Americans saw that Barack Obama was not your crude Bolshevik monster, but a cool, rational man who kept trying to get things done despite monumental opposition, despite monumental debt, despite a monumental storm. You won't see these things, though, because you're Republicans, and self-reflection is to you what a hot needle is to a cyst on your ass.
You are going to get advice from everywhere, all over, left, right, crazy. So the Rude Pundit's not going to attempt to say much here because you're not going to listen. It comes down to this: Stop being jerks, and, as Joe Biden said, get out of the way. Stop being jerks to women, to immigrants, to gays, to union members. Just...well, just fucking stop. If you don't understand how the GOP strategy of the last three and a half years affected you on a national basis, no matter what the gerrymandered House district yahoo votes told you, then you are damned to be party of nothing more than bodies in the road, slowing real progress, only to be crushed and run over one at a time, hoping that enough of your squashed and squeezed viscera gums up the engines of government enough to bring it to a halt. Or until the bodies are plowed out of the way, as they were in 2006 and 2008. If you think the lesson is that you weren't conservative enough, you know nothing about the United States.
Ultimately, you won't learn anything. Because you're Republicans. And there's something tragically touching and almost poetically ignorant about stubbornly clinging to the anchor of your principles even as the ship sinks and everyone around you is saying to let it go and take a life preserver.
Yeah, now we to look forward to the inevitable endless investigations of meaningless things before the push for impeachment. Because you're Republicans. And that's just easier to do than actually govern.