6/30/2011

Dave: A Lonely Glenn Beck Fan Contemplates the Future:
(With more than a few apologies to Eminem)

Dear Glenn,
I wrote you but you still ain't callin'.
I left my cell, my Gmail, and my address at the bottom
I sent two letters back in spring. You must not have got them
There probably was a problem at the post office.
You know how government workers are.

They're lazy and get too many benefits and should be privatized.
But anyways, the heck with it. What's been up, Glenn? How's your daughters?
My wife's pregnant. I'm about to be a father.
If I have a daughter, guess what I'm going to call her?
I'm going to name her "Ayn."

I read about George Soros, too. So sorry about your TV show.
I had a friend threaten to kill everyone at the Tides Foundation.
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan.
I even used my unemployment check to buy your books.

I got a room full of your posters and your 9/12 Project souvenirs.
I liked all the 8/28 stuff, too, and appreciated no follow-through.
Anyways, I hope you get this man, Facebook me, just to chat
Truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Dave.

Dear Glenn,
You still haven't called or wrote.
I hope you have the chance.
I'm not mad, I just think it's messed up that you don't answer fans.
If you didn't want to talk to me after the show,
you didn't have to, but you could have signed an autograph for Jesse.
That's my hunting partner. He's 45 years old and white.
We waited outside the Fox building in the heat for you for 4 hours
and they said you went out a back exit to a waiting limo.
That's pretty shitty, man. You're like his fuckin' idol.
He wants to be just like you, Glenn. He even cut his hair like you do.

I'm not that mad, though. I just don't like being lied to.
Remember how I subscribed to GBTV? You made it seem like you would talk
to us. See, I'm just like you in a way.
I never knew my father, neither.
And my mom once got me a sweater for Christmas, too.

I can relate to what you're saying on your shows.
So when I have a shitty day, I know I have to blame progressives and Van Jones.
'Cause I don't really got shit else since my factory
closed up and the jobs got shipped to Mexico, so your voice helps when I'm depressed.
I even got a tattoo with your name across my chest.
Sincerely yours, Dave. PS: I even got your Beck University videos.

Dear Mr. I'm-Too-Crazy-To-Even-Be-On-Fox,
This'll be the last package I ever send to this address.
It's been six months and still no word. I don't deserve it.
I know you got my last two letters. I used Federal Express.

I'm in the car right now. I'm doing 90 on the freeway. Hey, Glenn, you
know how you're always talk about shooting or beating to death liberals?
Well, I'm heading to DC, Glenn. I got my gun and I'm gonna see which
ones I can take out. Nancy or Harry or Barney or even Barack. All the traitors
you say are ruining America. I'm gonna take it back for you because
they're taking you away. I hope you know I ripped all your
pictures off the wall so they couldn't trace me to you.

When I'm done making the country better, I hope you dream about it.
And when you go to Israel, I hope you scream with joy about it.
Hey, Glenn, that's my local community organizer in the trunk.
But I didn't slit her socialist throat,
I just tied her up because
if she suffocates, she'll suffer more,
then she'll die too.
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the Potomac River bridge now.
See you on the internet,
Dave

6/29/2011

Live Whiskey-Blogging the President's News Conference:
Ahh, the a.m. press conference, just time enough to brew up some strong coffee and Irish that shit up with some Bulleit whiskey. It'd be awesome if he came out and said, "I just got back from shoving tea bags up Mitch McConnell's ass, and, lemme tell ya, he was begging me to raise taxes and then he was begging me to keep shoving. I'll be presiding over his marriage to John Boehner this afternoon." That won't happen, but, ooh, let's see what does... (All quotes pretty much guaranteed to be inaccurate in word, but right in spirit.)

11:39: And away we go. Opening statement is the "Talkin' Economy Blues": Broken appliances, college tuition, no jobs...where's Bob Dylan with the signs?

11:41: Obama says, in essence, "Hey, Congress, howzabout a fuckin' job bills amid all the bullshit posing you're doing?"

11:42: Boo-yah. First mention of "deficit-reduction." And says that "We need 4 trillion in deficit reduction," which means that he's already ceded the home field advantage to the Republicans.

11:44: Obama: "I want to get rid of tax cuts for wealthy fucks." Hannity already breaking out the "class war" buzzer.

11:45: "Do you want sick old people to die in the streets or the Koch Brothers to buy a couple less cases of vintage pinot noir?"

11:46: First question from the AP: "Is Boehner a real motherfucker or just a poser motherfucker?"

11:48: Obama: "Call me 'naive.'" Okay, you're naive when it comes to trusting Republicans. Wait, no, that would have worked in January 2009. Now, you're just delusional.

11:49: Obama tries to offer an example of how rational people would compromise, saying that Democrats are willing to look at entitlements and other shit. Of course, again, you would have to be dealing with rational people. You are not.

11:50: Finally, Obama, on a big stage, calls out the GOP for protecting rich people and oil companies, saying that it's not "a sustainable position."

11:52: "Ask your constituents, GOP, if they want food safety or corporate jet tax breaks."

11:53: Yay, Chuckie Todd, asking the constitutionality of positions on Libya, the debt ceiling, and gay marriage. That's worth a shot of Bulleit.

11:54: Obama: "Yeah, yeah, fuck your question. Here's my prepared remarks on Libya which seem uncomfortably like what both President Bushes said about Iraq, including about how Qaddafi kills his own people and threatens America."

11:56: "Carried a big load." Tee-hee. Sounds like poop.

11:58: Says that the Libyan operation is "limited" and "helps a lot of people," so War Powers Act can kiss his ass.

11:59: "And now, Chuckie T, let me give you my prepared answer on gay marriage. I hope you enjoy it because people worked really hard on it."

12:01: Says that "each community" should work through "these issues." So what he'd have preferred is no federal government action on segregation? On interracial marriage? On women's rights? Be fucking consistent.

12:03: "We're moving in a direction of greater equality." Yes, nice, with over 40 states with amendments banning gay marriage. It's like going to a parking garage and being told you can only use 9 spaces.

12:04: That garage metaphor was pretty stupid.

12:05: Wonder if reporters miss being called nicknames that make 'em seem like they're the bitches of a Deliverance hillbilly.

12:08: Trade stuff. Know it's important. Boring. Need more liquor lunch.

12:09: So bored that the Rude Pundit is mocking Dave Weigel on Twitter.

12:10: Question: "What's the procedure for torturing terrorists now that we can't torture them anymore? Should we just kill 'em?" Stupid goddamn question. How about "We'll cross that bridge"?

12:12: Short answer: "We'll kill 'em."

12:13: Fox question: "Are you a douche or a shithead?" (Actually, "Can you tell the families of the soldiers what's victory in Afghanistan?" Pretty much the same.)

12:15: The real answer is "Victory is getting the hell out of there with all their limbs." But Obama is making a case about Taliban out of power, al-Qaeda not viable, standing up Afghan military, and hoping that a civil war waits for a couple of years. It's like when you bump into something stacked in a grocery store and run away before it collapses.

12:18: Another Libya question. Another answer where he says that "NATO is in control." Of course, NATO is mostly, you know, us.

12:19: "If John McCain says something is important, it must be important." Really? No, really? Have you met John McCain?

12:21: Okay, just fucking stop it. Stop talking about Qaddafi. It just sounds creepily like the build-up to the Iraq War. "He needs to go"? Jesus.

12:23: "No, ha, ha, you're not gonna trick me into saying I support gay marriage."

12:24: "I cut taxes. Can I make that any fucking clearer? Why don't you fucking report that?"

12:26: Is it racist to say that not a goddamn word that Spanish reporter said was understandable? Because it probably is. Pretty sure she was asking if he thought the Rock was any good in the latest Fast and Furious movie. He was fine.

12:29: This is all distinctly uninformative.

12:30: More debt ceiling fun from CNN's Jessica Yellin, replacing the fallen Ed Henry.

12:31: Obama: "Hey, thanks for repeating right-wing talking points on the debt ceiling dates. But it's wrong."

12:32: "This is not an abstraction." Michele Bachmann immediately issues press release saying that Obama is an elitist who loves Picasso.

12:33: Obama calls bullshit on other Republican talking points on paying some bills but not others. Tim Pawlenty immediately issues press release saying to make himself still seem relevant.

12:34: That Picasso joke was lame, too.

12:36: Obama says that he doesn't want to "engage in scare tactics." Reporters don't understand how that works.

12:37: "Malia and Sasha are better than your children. They get their homework done a day ahead of time. Your kids are sucking down giant sodas and watching fail videos."

12:38: Says GOP "needs to do their job." Doesn't understand that as far as they are concerned, they are doing their jobs.

12:39: Ooh, snap. He just threatened to cancel Congressional vacations. "You stay here. You get it done. I'm staying here."

12:42: Wrap-up time. Time to trot out ordinary Americans, circling back to the "Talkin' Economy Blues." Cue Bob Dylan.

12:44: Touts job creation of Alcoa, one of the world's worst polluters. Well, if the earth crumbles, we won't need to worry about infrastructure or jobs. And we're done.

(Note: Bulleit is spelled "Bulleit," not "Bullheit," as it stupidly was spelled earlier.)

6/28/2011

A Note to Rep. Todd Akin on How Much Liberals Hate God:
Yes, GOP Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri, a man who looks like he last masturbated in 1984, to Mary Lou Retton at the Summer Olympics, you're absolutely right. When you said to Family Research Council President Tony "Man, This Gay Marriage Bullshit Has Allowed Me to Buy a Lexus" Perkins, "[A]t the heart of liberalism really is a hatred for God and a belief that government should replace God," you are absolutely fucking correct. In fact, liberals not only hate God, they want to rape God. They want to drag God out of the sky and fuck his holy asshole. Hard. They want to pull out and come on God's back and then make God lick their dicks clean. Liberal women want to use double-sided dildo strap-ons, one side shoved in their pussies and the other shoved into God's mouth so that God's sucking their stiff, plastic cocks. And they're tough, these liberal chicks, 'cause they're gonna punch God in the face while he's blowing the strap-ons, they're gonna tell 'em to make it look real, to choke on it, yeah, fucker, 'cause they hate him so fucking much.

No, seriously, the Rude Pundit's glad that you didn't apologize, Rep. Akin, because, as you said, "I’m not going to apologize for what I see liberalism doing in trying take God out." That's right, motherfucker. Liberals are trying to take him out. Three bullets to the back of his skull in an alley behind St. Peter's. 'Cause if he ain't all powerful enough to stop liberals from kicking his ass out of government, then he ain't powerful enough to stop a Glock from sprayin' brains all over the Vatican.

It was helpful that your aide clarified what you meant. "Conservatives believe rights are granted by God and it is the responsibility of government to aid in protecting them" is what communications director Steve Taylor said. And "Liberals believe rights are granted by government...Congressman Akin believes those two concepts define the basic debate between the two ideologies."

That's fucking great. Welcome to the Bachmann School of American History. So essentially, your ideology says that kings and tyrants are more powerful than God. Or that God is such a cunt that he doesn't care if some people get to use the rights he grants while others have those rights cock-blocked by other people. That's the follow-through on Akin's conservative belief, no? Whereas god-fearing liberals believe that people take care of people shit and God takes care of God shit and thus God can just stay above it all. Like a good grandmother, not a molesting uncle. (By the way, atheist politicians of both parties don't give a fuck, but mostly they have to pretend that they do.)

So, sure, Toddster, if you're going to say that liberals hate God, then, fuck, have your God do something about it. Or is he just that much of a pussy?

6/27/2011

Among the Gay Gays (A Photo Essay of a Victory Lap):
And so, on a lovely early summer Sunday in New York City, on the weekend after the governor of the state signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage, the Rude Pundit found himself hanging out with friends in front of the Marble Collegiate Church on Fifth Avenue as they handed out water to the thousands and thousands of participants in the annual Gay Pride Parade. He had already been in Washington Square Park the night before, when the Annual Dyke March had converged at the arch and headed into the fountain for a fairly topless frolic. And now, on Sunday, he was standing in the middle of the avenue, the pageantry promenading right by him.

Of course, there were plenty of brides.



And more than a few grooms.



All marching together, with rainbow flags a-flying.



Banks, stores, and other corporations were represented in the march. So, hey, queer-bashers, every time you use Google, remember: you're supporting gay rights.



Sure, sure, there were costumes of all varieties.



But mostly the parade was just average people in their activist groups, like the Gay Men's Health Crisis.



And signs that expressed all kinds of healthy, open desires.



Veterans and service members forced out of the military were, of course, big hits.



But mostly, it was just a splendid time for all, GLB or T, bald or be-wigged.



In the land of the free...



And the home of the brave...



With liberty...



And (the hope of) justice...



For all.



Oh, and here's some beefcake for ya.

Late Post Today:
Still coughing up feathers from yesterday's NYC Gay Pride Parade. Back later with rainbow flag photo-filled rudeness.

6/24/2011

Family Research Council: "If Gay Marriage Passes in NY, God Must Hate Us" (Updated):
There it was in his glowing email inbox, with the subject "Urgent Prayer Alert," screaming at him for instantaneous action. "Merciful motherfuck," the Rude Pundit thought as he desperately touch-padded over to the message, "what could it be? Child slaughter in Syria? Nuclear conflagration in Japan? How many lives are at stake that we members of the Super-Duper Prayer Team can beg God-Jeezes to save?"

The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the ultra-mega-conservative Family Research Council (motto: "When Democrats raise taxes, an angel loses its wings") under a nom de rude, and he receives weekly orders of what issues he should give a Cleveland steamprayer to. But an urgent prayer? This has happened only rarely.

And there, in the message, after a brief promotion for the FRC's upcoming praypalooza, the Call2Fall, with its fellatio-rific logo, was the emergency: the possible same-sex marriage vote in the New York Senate, the worstest thing to happen in the history of forever, like five Holocausts, three Hiroshimas, and a really bad wedgie, all at the same time. Because, see, "New York, the nation's third largest state, were it to become the 6th state plus Washington, DC, to legalize same-sex marriage, could prove to be decisive in the culture war for America's soul." Yeah, and "much more than marriage is on the line."

What could be on the line? Will So You Think You Can Dance get canceled? Will McDonald's stop making french fries? Will the Statue of Liberty sink into the sea? Chaos, dear people, chaos in the offing: "Marriage was God's first institution among mankind. Foreordained as the symbol of our Savior's relationship with His redeemed people, it is built into the fabric of nature." Yes, you might ask, but what about the children? What can we tell our children? "Parents teach their children how to be good citizens and advocates for a just, God-honoring nation. Such homes are essential for the renewal and survival of our nation." You get it? Does it need to be spelled out for you? If gays can marry, then children will just say, "Fuck this stupid assfucking nation. Let's burn shit."

So, urgently, the SDPT has to get on its knees and engage in autoerotic prayerphyxiation. "God, intervene!" the FRC tells us to yelp. "Show yourself mighty on behalf of your people and your cause. Stop this bill and preserve Biblical marriage in New York State. In Jesus Name, Amen!" Then, conveniently, we're directed to Bible passages that happen to mention marriage, like Hebrews 13:4, which, according to good ol' King James, reads, "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." Whoremongers and adulterers. Got it. And gays and lesbians? No? Huh. Although Hebrews 13:1 says, "Let brotherly love continue." Sweet.

And if the New York Senate passes the gay marriage bill? By implication, it must mean that God says, "Oh, suck my sacred sack" to evangelicals.

Update: And, lo, God presented his balls and said unto the fundamentalists, "Yea, place these hairy orbs into your mouths and wash 'em real good."

6/23/2011

New Rude Video: "Fuck You, Newt Gingrich":
This is revenge for the 1990s, motherfucker. Let's put a stake in the heart of Newt's withering campaign by reminding everyone what a shitsack he has been.



You can forward it to your friends over on the YouTube.

Thanks to the filthy, possibly tweaking hippies at the Bonnaroo Music Festival for reading from The Rude Pundit's Almanack (which you should totally fucking buy or fucking download, if you haven't yet).

(Note: Yes, it's "Michele." But fuck her for using the masculine spelling.)

6/22/2011

Planned Parenthood in Indiana Forced to Abandon Poor Women:
Indiana, an awful state that smells like exhaust fumes and ponds of pig shit in the summer, just got a whole lot more awful this week as Planned Parenthood clinics around the state stopped taking Medicaid patients yesterday because the clinics won't be reimbursed by Medicaid because a law that banned such reimbursements passed by large majorities in the senate and legislature and was signed by the craven Mitch Daniels, who believes that women should have choice over whether or not he runs for president but not over their reproductive systems.

So conservatives are showing their compassion to tens of thousands of poor women, who are damned to live in the fetid hellscape that is Indiana, by shutting down a place where they got pap smears, STD and cancer screening, birth control, pregnancy tests, and, yes, abortions. No doubt, in continuing with their obvious care for hopefully pregnant women, Republicans in the Indiana statehouse will make sure they all receive prenatal care, along with funds to pay for the births at well-regulated, safe, clean hospitals. No doubt, since obviously Republicans want to ensure that poor women have as many children as possible, they will make sure the children have awesome pediatric care, not to mention good schools to attend when they're older. No doubt at all. Because, otherwise, forcing women to have unwanted children would be the ultimate in cynical pandering to a backwards ass bunch of fucks who have no concept of a world outside the narrow purview of, say, Anderson or Fort fucking Wayne or godforsaken Terre Haute. Because, you know, pregnancy would become an unfunded mandate.

All but one Planned Parenthood is closed today in Indiana because of the new law. They await Judge Tanya Walton Pratt's decision on whether or not to suspend it. Two of the three STD experts retained by PPIN have been let go. State legislators said that the organization only has itself to blame because it refused to stop offering abortions. "If (Planned Parenthood) wants to receive taxpayer money," said Republican Senator Scott Schneider, "they can simply stop practicing abortion."

By the way, surgical abortion is offered at only three Indiana clinics, two in Indianapolis and one in Bloomington. Another offers medication for abortion. Otherwise, the other 24 Planned Parenthood offices do not do abortions. And no state funding went for abortion, but, sure, hell, it might have helped pay the rent on the office copier.

By the way, just to be extra dickish, the new law also bans Planned Parenthood from participating in a tax credit program that helps with fundraising.

Somewhere in DC, Indiana Rep. Mike Pence of a swill trough of a district is flogging his bare back, kneeling before pictures of women who died because of unsafe, illegal abortions, women bleeding out from doing it themselves, women who poisoned themselves. Yes, he scourges himself clean, knowing that Jesus wants these fallen souls, craving them like a butterfly collector, like a trash man, and he, like a good, filthy gravedigger, will help provide them.

6/21/2011

America Does Have Talent, But Republicans Want to Kill It:
A friend wanted the Rude Pundit to watch a clip from the television show America's Got Talent, which he agreed to do even though he thinks that, if a program has the word "talent" in the title and features Sharon Osborne and Howie Mandel, someone hasn't thought this through. "You gotta see this idiot," she said as she brought up a video of Brian Jackson, a man who said he held the world record for blowing up hot water bottles with his breath, which makes you pity the good people at Guinness. And there Jackson was, brought onto the main stage, a beefy guy who looked like he had figured out this cool bar trick in exchange for a beer and a shot.

The minute started, with accompanying music, and Jackson grabbed a hot water bottle and started huffing into it with all his might. With the audience jeering and raising their arms in an x-shape, with at least one of the judges buzzing him off, he made the thick rubber bag expand and expand, but it did not explode. And the minute ended with the guy winded, the people booing, and the judges pitiless. They were different bottles than he had used before, he explained, which seemed like a weak excuse. And, a failure at this most meager of tasks, Jackson walked away. The Rude Pundit's friend was merrily entertained.

No, it wasn't a talent, not even in the remotest sense of the word, and Jackson was an idiot to agree to go on national television. And while these shows traffic in feeding the delusional Christians to the lions of the crowd, there was just something so utterly degrading about the entire spectacle. Here was a working class guy who was set-up by the producers to not just fail for the sake of entertainment, but to be an instigator to turning an audience of, one expects, peers against him. For, indeed, only few are chosen for their particular awesome- or awfulness to be seen by the judges and the audience. It's not an open mike. And the people had been prompted how to react, how to gesture, how to make their fascist rally arm cross, how to feel superior to someone like them. Divide and conquer, man. Divide and conquer.

The Rude Pundit thought about Brian Jackson and his never-popping hot water bottle while he read about the latest attacks on working people by state legislatures and governors. See, it's not that New Jersey is seeking to raise state workers' contributions on health care and pensions. It's that the bill that made its way through committee stops collective bargaining on health care. It's the ongoing battle over collective bargaining rights in Wisconsin, in Massachusetts, in Ohio, in Illinois, in places Democratic and, especially, Republican, under the notion that this is somehow the way that everyone sacrifices for the good of some broad, undefinable "economy." Meanwhile, wages have stagnated as union membership has fallen. Somehow, surely, this is just the fault of greedy union workers. It always has been the workers' fault for demanding fairness, according to management. Why should these greedy bastards get decent health care when you can't find a job?

And this is how we get back to Brian Jackson. There's a political calculation being made here, as there so often is. They are pitting unemployed and non-union workers against the unionized state employees, who often have enviable job security in an insecure job market, by making those unionized government workers the target. It doesn't matter that the benefits gotten through collective bargaining make up for the shit wages. Boo to that; raise your arms in an X to get it swept away. Hope for failure and embarrassment. Turn on each other and give power and profit to the people behind the curtain, again and again.

6/20/2011

Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Down a Fistful of Klonopin with a Mug of Moose Blood:


First of all, the name of the sure-to-be stupid fucking documentary about Sarah Palin is utter horseshit. In 2002, she lost the Republican nomination for lieutenant governor of Alaska. And, well, also as the vice presidential candidate. So "The Undefeated" is correct only if you disregard her, you know, defeats.

That aside, what the hell is this? It's got a photo of Palin that looks like she's play-skiing with a pair of cocks on her fists. Her lips are pursed in the contemptuous sneer of determination to make more money for herself and her hillbilly kinfolk. And she's got the Snooki bun that says, "My hair is long, but I'm putting it up so that it is not speckled with semen or vomit." She is our Eva Peron, indeed.

She is being fed by the Big Dipper, and a giant star looks like it's about to destroy the sky, which would approximate Palin's effect on the intelligence of the Republican party. Or perhaps that's the star from the Soviet propaganda posters, demonstrating once and for all that, goddamnit, you can see some Russia from Alaska, the state she has abandoned. And there's a pipeline defacing the literal purple mountains majesty.

Let's not even get into the clip art flags. Or the listing of Mark Levin and Andrew Breitbart as appearing (which makes this movie about as appealing as going down on a porcupine's twat).

But there's all the nation needs to know about its idiot queen. Oil. Power. Despoiled nature. Lies. America. The hagiography of the mascot of our descent into the mad dry heaves of this wretched century.

(Thanks to rude reader Jim for the tip on the poster.)

6/17/2011

The Rude Pundit on Monday's Stephanie Miller Show:
Oh, yeah, we talked Weiner.
This Is the Way the Weiner Ends: Not With a Bang But a Whimper:
The grinding media machine has eaten another victim and spit out his splintered bones and shredded viscera. Anthony Weiner resigned yesterday, in a press conference only notable for how stupid and asshole-filled it was, and now the machine knows that, with the assistance of its willing accomplices in Washington, it can pick and choose who to wreck next, like a mad sniper who today feels like firing at joggers in blue shorts.

The kindest reading one can give to the behavior of Democrats, from the President on down, who called for Weiner to resign is that they either know of something way, way worse that's could come out and needed notable distance, or they just fucking hated Weiner and he gave them all the ammo they needed to take him out. Barring the former, there's nothing not despicable in the behavior of Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer and others.

The Rude Pundit's not gonna recapitulate the entire Weiner affair, except to say that if anyone with a functioning libido living in the 21st century had their sexual text messages and emails revealed, they'd just look like goddamn fools. Here's one from the Rude Pundit, prompted by someone saying how much they love it when he talks dirty and wanted him to get violent because it turns them on: "Yeah, I'm gonna strangle the fuck out of your throat with my cock and jizz on your heart." And that was one of the more politely romantic notes. The point here is not the amount of depth and force that would be required to ejaculate on a major organ during oral sex. No, the point is we all have shit like this. Weiner's was made public. And he's married. And he lied about it.

So what? If you give a shit about who your representative is legally fucking or flirting with, then you don't give a shit about making this a better nation.

If Twitter and Facebook had been around in the late 1990s, if internet media had been developed to the point it is now, Bill Clinton would not have survived. He couldn't have. Every two seconds people would have news updates pop-up on their iPhones about what happens when pussy juice hits tobacco. There would have been a Tumblr called "Bill's Dick" or "It's Not Sex." Let's not even get into the CNNMSNBCFox coverage, which was absurd even then. And the Rude Pundit was someone who, for a good period of time, believed that Clinton should step down. Then it dawned on him that Clinton was right. This was all about destroying him for the sake of destroying him. Goddamn if Clinton wasn't right to stay in office, to outlast his enemies, to wreck them. The fuckers found something, he said. The fuckers will always find something. Republicans weren't ready for Clinton to stand there and take the punches. And goddamn Al Gore for running like a beaten cur into the dark streets at midnight for not wanting Clinton to campaign with him. He allowed the vast right wing conspiracy to succeed where it had failed with Clinton.

But folding is par for the course for Democrats. Sen. Vitter banged hookers. It was a blip of a story and then went away. (And the DC Madam, Deborah Palfrey, who provided Vitter with mommy-acting whores? She was convicted of racketeering and money laundering and killed herself rather than go to prison. The wheels on the justice bus go round and round, motherfuckers.) John Ensign got to stay for a while, and he banged a staff member and bribed her husband. Only Mark Foley got thrown under the bus, and Republicans covered up his criminal behavior for years. (Besides, it gave the GOP a chance to take a stand against a gay guy, so it was all a big plus for the base.)

Weiner sent out some racy texts and photos. And Democrats cowered before the gods of Fox "news" and banished him lest they seem like they were guilty by proxy of the non-crime. Like Shirley Sherrod and others before, they obeyed, they obeyed. Democrats won't fight in this way. They try to stay above the fray. They should have shut down the Senate until Vitter resigned, saying that admitted sex offenders have no place in Congress. They should have talked about nothing but Vitter and hookers any chance they had. But, no. Democrats wanted to talk about "issues." They wanted to "move on." It doesn't work that way.

While so many Democrats said that Weiner was a misdirect, that he needed to get out of the way so that the momentum Democrats developed on Medicare would continue, what they don't get is that Weiner wasn't a distraction until Democrats got sucked into commenting on him. Once again, they played the GOP's game, a game they can't win because they refuse to make their own move. For Republicans, Weiner was the issue. Not Weiner, per se, but the silencing of Democrats, the elimination of them. Once the texts and photos got out, the GOP could have taken a glass houses approach. Instead, they went totally voracious, like starving rats in a morgue.

And the media jacked it to the 24-7 beat. Now that this food source is gone, they will be offered another one soon. And Congress demanded answers where they had failed so many times to even ask a question. And Anthony Weiner, another defender of the middle class, has bitten the dust because he trusted stupid people and thought he could get away with it.

There's not an honorable person in the mix here (except for Weiner's wife, who has remained blissfully private). But, then, honor is hard to come by at all in these warped times.

(Tip of the hat to rude reader AJM for the reminder on Palfrey.)

6/16/2011

Will New York Stop Being an Embarrassment Over Gay Marriage?:
Republican New York Senator Roy McDonald finally snapped when it came to voting on same-sex marriage rights. "You might not like that. You might be very cynical about that. Well, fuck it, I don’t care what you think. I’m trying to do the right thing," he said in agreeing to vote for the legislation that has already passed the Assembly. "I’m tired of Republican-Democrat politics. They can take the job and shove it. I come from a blue-collar background. I’m trying to do the right thing, and that’s where I’m going with this."

And that, dear, dear readers, is where we are politically in not only this state, but in the entire nation. All it takes to be heroic in these grimy times is to say that "Everyone knows what the right thing is, so why the fuck not do it?"

It seems like a no-brainer that New York, which has a not-insignificant portion of its economy based on the artistic efforts of gays and lesbians, would legalize same-sex marriage. But because Neanderthal retardation is what animates Republicans, a bill has failed here twice. Now, with just a couple of days left in the legislative session, mighty pressure is being exerted on a couple of "moderate" Republicans in the GOP-controlled Senate to make the Empire State the sixth one to say, "Hey, you know that shit in the Constitution about laws applying equally? We actually mean it."

Of course, dicks will dicks, even if they're not Weiners. New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan, who has previously said that celibacy means abandoning "all genital expression, alone or with others, male or female, in thought, word, and deed," so his balls are so engorged with backed-up semen that he's walking around with throbbing cantaloupes between his legs, wrote on his blog (which means that, yes, the Archbishop of the Catholic Church of New York has a blog), "Last time I consulted an atlas, it is clear we are living in New York, in the United States of America – not in China or North Korea. In those countries, government presumes daily to 'redefine' rights, relationships, values, and natural law. There, communiqu├ęs from the government can dictate the size of families, who lives and who dies, and what the very definition of 'family' and 'marriage' means."

As Queerty points out, it's odd for Dolan to warn us to fear becoming Asian. The Rude Pundit is disturbed that a number of Catholics follow a man who needs an atlas to establish what country he's in. Hell, Google Earth that shit.

In a mind-blowing tautology, Dolan posits about the legalization of gay marriage, "If you do, you are claiming the power to change what is not into what is, simply because you say so. This is false, it is wrong, and it defies logic and common sense." Whoa, the Rude Pundit's gonna need some 'shrooms here for this one. Wait. Wait. Okay. So, marriage simply is, it just exists as a man-woman thing, in some a priori state, a definition before words existed or were even defined by humans. But if you change what-is-not into what-is, then it-is, not is-not. Aw, man, that's deep...ly fucked. We change shit all the time. Hey, look, women and black people aren't property. Boom. We changed something that was into what it wasn't to redefine it and make it better.

Dolan offers us a warning: "If you think this paranoia, just ask believers in Canada and England what’s going on there to justify our apprehensions." Yes, we've all heard about the streets of Calgary filled with rioting gay-married people, burning down the churches that aren't legally obligated to perform the ceremonies. It's a nightmare. In your mind. So, yes, it is paranoia.

Maybe one more Republican Senator will have the guts of Roy McDonald, even if this is on something that should take no guts at all, just the sense that the inevitable march of history is on your side.

6/15/2011

In Brief: Two Republicans, One Pussy and One Asshole, for the Day:
Pussy: Mitch McConnell, who said of two Iraqis arrested in Kentucky on terror charges (or, actually, "fighting against the United States in Iraq but, being pussies themselves, legally immigrated to Kentucky"), "Sending them to Gitmo is the only way we can be certain there won't be retaliatory attacks in Kentucky." Dude, just get 'em to blow up some mountaintops in your state to get at that coal that funds your campaigns. It's win-win.

Asshole: Michele Bachmann, who, like many in the GOP, claims that the protecting the environment through the, you know, Environmental Protection Agency, is actually a plot to regulate businesses to death. "It should really be renamed the Job-Killing Organization of America," said Bachmann at the debate the other night. Would that mean that we could call the GOP the "Earth Killing Organization of America"?
Late Post Today:
Sodomized by Delta Airlines yesterday, finally flying today, hopefully with significantly less forced sodomy. But it's Delta, so it's probably best to buy more lube here at the Nashville airport since the bottle the Rude Pundit had was confiscated by the TSA.

More sore rudeness later.

6/14/2011

Random Observations on Last Night's Republican Panderthon:
The general consensus among the three people the Rude Pundit spoke to is that last night's Republican presidential debate was a dull, boring spectacle of watching idiots suck the farts out of each other's anuses. That last part might have been David Gergen. Either way, it informed us of nothing and it accomplished nothing, other than to make clear that Mitt Romney will be the Republican nominee. No one is gonna give two shits about any of this unless Sarah Palin gets in. And then only because either one looks forward to the campy joy of watching a moose-blowing fucktard beat the hell out of the English language or because one is dumb. But Romney's still the nominee.

Tim Pawlenty is a little bitch
:
When CNN jawline John King asked Pawlenty to explain why he called federal health care reform "Obamneycare," Pawlenty not only refused to utter the word or Mitt Romney's name, but he looked like a dude who just realized he was talking shit about King Kong while that hairy motherfucker was standing behind him.

Tim Pawlenty doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about
:
Really, none of them do. But Pawlenty was supposed to be the only serious challenge to the unbearable inevitability of Dole...McCain...Romney, yeah, Romney this time. But when asked about a federal right-to-work law, Pawlenty said he supported it and offered, "[F]or much of his life my dad was a Teamster truck driver. My brothers and sisters, many of them are in unions, I was in a union. We grew up in a blue-collar town. I understand these issues. My family were Reagan-Democrats, now most of them listen to Rush Limbaugh actually. But the point is, I understand these issues, but we don't have a government tell us what organizations or associations we should be in. We tell the government what to do."

Except that Minnesota, where they all lived, was not a right-to-work state, so Pawlenty and his family probably worked in closed shops and prospered because of precisely the opposite of what Pawlenty would like for the entire country.

The Tea Party is done:
The candidates themselves mentioned the Tea Party only twice and only in response to direct questions from King or a citizen-questioner. Santorum and Bachmann were the two who cared enough to talk about the Tea Party, and only briefly (even if Bachmann declared, "I am Queen High-Googly-Moogly of the Teabaggers. Now, present some balls"). The others couldn't give a fuck less. Sorry, gang. It's time to mothball the tri-point hats and muskets. Newt Gingrich doesn't love you anymore. Until he needs you.

States' rights do not apply to gay people
:
As expected, the most mind-boggling thing of the night was said by Michele Bachmann, who said, regarding gay marriage, "I do support a constitutional amendment on -- on marriage between a man and a woman, but I would not be going into the states to overturn their state law." So she wants to change the Constitution to prevent gay marriage, but it's cool if gays get married in states where they decide it's cool? That pretty much demonstrates that Bachmann doesn't actually understand how the Constitution works. The other candidates pretty much followed suit.

You know what? Fuck all these losers. Occasionally, something thoughtful and reasonable slipped through their nutzoid right-wing fellatio, like Newt Gingrich saying, "No serious citizen who's concerned about solving this problem should get trapped into a yes/no answer in which you're either for totally selling out protecting America or you're for totally kicking out 20 million people in a heartless way. There are -- there are humane, practical steps to solve this problem, if we can get the politicians and the news media to just deal with it honestly."

Of course, Gingrich refused to elaborate on what that middle of the road solution should be.

6/13/2011

New Mitt Romney Ad Features Dead People and Resurrection:


The new Mitt Romney ad is creepy as fuck. It's a macabre rendering of a line from a speech President Obama made where he said, "There are always going to be bumps on the road to recovery."

Using that as a leaping off point, the Romney campaign portrays the unemployed and job seekers and their children as literal bumps on a desert road. In other words, Obama's speech killed these people, Jonestown-style. Then, miraculously, through the power of a Sharpie and piece of paper with Romney's name on it, and some Mormon angel-singing, each of the corpses rises up in order to insist on their humanity before, presumably, being left in the desert to fend for themselves, having to battle the heat, dirt, and coyotes before deciding on who to cannibalize first for food and, holy shit, why won't these goddamned angels stop choiring at us? Or, in other words, it's like living in Utah.

Of course, it doesn't matter that, beyond the fact that no actual plan is mentioned to de-bumpify these people, beyond the fact that the situations that the sentient road blocks present on their magical signs have more to do with Republican policies than Obama's, the ad is a lie on the most basic level. Here's what Obama said: "[T]here are still some headwinds that are coming at us. Lately, it’s been high gas prices that have caused a lot of hardship for a lot of working families. And then you had the economic disruptions following the tragedy in Japan. You got the instability in the Middle East, which makes folks uncertain. There are always going to be bumps on the road to recovery."

In other words, if a gas pump, an earthquake, and an uprising turned to the camera and insisted that they were not bumps in the road, the ad would be accurate, according to what Obama said. Otherwise, the ad is just a bump of bullshit, and the people in it are the very ones that the GOP are driving a Hummer over.

While some may find this an effective ad, it just makes the Rude Pundit roll his eyes and think, "Do we really have to go through 17 months of this fuckery before Obama defeats Romney in the general election in 2012?"

6/10/2011

Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Choke on Jelly Beans:


That painting there exists, or almost exists. It's from the side of the Putnam County Republican Party Headquarters in Cookeville, Tennessee. It was a beautiful blank wall, but, as is the way with Republicans, they had to fuck it up with a stupid mural that worships one of their gods. "A Great American," it reads. And there, ghostly, is the sketch of Ronald Reagan that will be filled in by the latter-day Michelangelo responsible for this Sistine Chapel.

Now, one can look at it and wonder: Is the Gipper slowly appearing? Is he is fading from view?

(Note: The Rude Pundit is at the Bonnaroo Music Festival. He'll be posting today at Rude at Bonnaroo. And you can follow his adventures on the Twitter machine.)

6/09/2011

Ways That the Scandals of Anthony Weiner and David Vitter Are Completely Different:
Oh, the innocent days of July 2007, when a darling of the religious right could not only weather a scandal where he got fucked by multiple hookers over the course of years, including, allegedly, while wearing diapers and being treated like an infant, but he could also be reelected with the full support of his supposedly religious party. Louisiana Senator David Vitter gets brought up quite a bit in these days of Weiner. But what Vitter did was far, far worse than anything Anthony Weiner even tried to do or expressed a desire to do in his most graphic messages. A comparison:

1. Give a little credit: Vitter never totally lied to the media at first. At a press conference on July 16, 2007, he talked in generalities, about sin and other shit (except the shit that was in the diapers he liked to wear when fucking hookers), but he didn't go on a media tour insisting on lies that he had created. Of course, the statute of limitations had run out on being able to prosecute him, which takes the already sub-gutter nobility level down a notch or two.

However, he did lie when he denied that he was seeing whores in New Orleans.

2. Republicans in Congress, despite the fact that most of them ran on bullshit "family values," did not call for Vitter to resign. Why? Because Kathleen Blanco, the Democratic governor of Louisiana, would have appointed a Democrat. Some idiot pundits predicted that Vitter would resign when Blanco left office. Nope. While they were condemning the shit out of Larry Craig for flirting in a men's room, Senate Republicans gave Vitter, who, let us remember, boned multiple hookers while married, a standing goddamn ovation at a private luncheon less than three weeks after the news broke about him.

3. Adulterer Rudy Giuliani on whoremonger Vitter on July 11, 2007: "I believe that this is a personal issue. We are going to have to hear from Senator Vitter." Vitter was working for Giuliani's campaign.

Giuliani in an interview with a Seattle TV station yesterday on Weiner: "I always thought there was something wrong with him. From the first time I met him...No one likes him...Democrats want to get rid of him...This is really weird behavior, and you shouldn't be in Congress if you're going to participate in weird behavior...Of course he should [step down]."

4. Biggest differences (as far as we know): Weiner never fucked anyone, never broke a law, and never did anything without the participation and consent of the women involved (and, sorry, tut-tutters like Sean Hannity who want to diminish young adults: a 20 year-old is a woman and sometimes those women fuck older people). The only victim here, prior to the media explosion, is Weiner's wife, Huma Abedin.

And you know what? Because this is about the private, legal behavior of a citizen, we don't know about the sex life and kinks of the Weiner-Abedin marriage. Maybe Abedin got off on Weiner flirting. Maybe they had a rule about open internet relationships. It ain't absurd. If not, then, as the mentioned before, Abedin is the only victim. Until Andrew Breitbart got involved and decided to make it his mission to fuck up a man for his private, legal life that in no way conflicted with his professed public stances on anything.

4a. We also don't know much about the hookers Vitter fucked. How exploited they were. How much they were coerced into their jobs. How much Vitter might have been participating in sexual slavery, even though he seems to have only gone to high-profile brothels.

There you have it: Liberal Weiner sent pictures of his hard cock and sexy messages in a game with women far away and, when he was caught, he lied about it to Wolf Blitzer. Conservative Vitter wore a diaper while he was fucked by hookers, probably involving strap-ons in his ass while he was covered in his own shit. Of course, Republicans would condemn the liberal. Vitter was merely enacting the Republican approach to governance.

(Side note to Breitbart: what a skeevy little poseur bitch you are, the Perez Hilton of politics, attempting for even a moment to appear noble by holding back the photo of Weiner's dick. But, of course, you were showing it off to anyone who wanted to see it because that makes you so much cooler and powerful. Man, Weiner may have fucked up in showing off his penis, but you're the one who sucks 'em.)

6/08/2011

The Rude Pundit on Monday's Stephanie Miller Show:
The Rude Pundit's at the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Where the Fuck Are We, Tennessee. He'll be commenting about it all weekend over at the Twitter thing. Meanwhile, enjoy the fun with Stephanie Miller:

You can, you know, subscribe to the Rude Pundit's podcast for all manner of vocal rudiosity. It's free, just like radio.
A Note to Chris Christie and Mitch Daniels on the Subject of Federal Funding and States' Rights:
Let the Rude Pundit tell you a little story from the dark, tormented 1980s. Back in 1984, Congress passed a law that was sponsored by Republicans and Democrats. It was the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, and what it did was say that should a state not raise its drinking age to 21, that state would lose 5% or so of its highway funds. It passed by a voice vote in both the House and the Senate. Grudgingly, President Ronald Reagan signed it because it was better to not be on the wrong side of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. And because a veto would have been overridden.

During the years of the debate, the Rude Pundit was in the sweet spot between 18 and 21, so he was really interested in how the whole thing would play out in his home state. And Louisiana was one of the last holdouts. If you don’t know, the real religion of Louisiana is alcohol. Drugs weren’t an issue at his high school because everyone was just drinking all the time. Fer fuck’s sake, there’s drive-thru daiquiri huts, where a single piece of scotch tape on the plastic lid is enough to indicate a closed container.

Oh, yes, the Louisiana legislature was filled with rebels then, people not wanting the federal government to boss ‘em around, to tell ‘em what to do. States' rights, man, that was the cry. Hell, no, the Pelican State wasn’t gonna let Washington say that teenagers couldn’t have a beer. The impeccable illogic of having Mississippi with a 21 year-old drinking age and Louisiana with an 18 year-old one was lost on the deluded Federalists, many of whom had constituents a-feared of losing money. Bloody borders were about individual conduct, weren’t they?

But, of course, eventually, Louisiana punked out in 1986, as did every other state, faced with the loss of millions of dollars.

South Dakota, though, decided to sue the federal government to get the law declared unconstitutional. And when the case of South Dakota v. Dole got to the Supreme Court in 1987, well, it was 7-2 in favor of the federal government, with William Rehnquist and John Paul Stevens agreeing, as did noted states' rights fellatrix Antonin Scalia. Yep, Scalia agreed with Rehnquist’s opinion that affirmed that the Federal Government "does have power to fix the terms upon which its money allotments to states shall be disbursed.” And that “we cannot conclude, however, that a conditional grant of federal money of this sort is unconstitutional simply by reason of its success in achieving the congressional objective.” Which is not to mention that “we conclude that encouragement to state action found in [the act] is a valid use of the spending power.” In other words, you don't like the conditions, you don't have to take the fucking money. But if you want the fucking money, you agree to the conditions.

Yes, history will sodomize your specious ideology righteously. And when history’s done fucking your ass, he’ll turn you over and fuck your face. Mitch Daniels is learning this lesson right now after signing the bill that takes away federal Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood in Indiana. Chris Christie is learning that, too, since he diverted funds that were given to New Jersey for a new Hudson River train tunnel to other transportation projects. In other words, the governors are being dishonorable fuckers. They are breaking contracts, or at least unilaterally changing the terms, essentially, and now they're gonna have to pay or stop being jackasses.

So when conservatives get upset about the coercive nature of DC telling states what they can do with money that came from the federal government, they can thank the sainted Rehnquist and Scalia for giving the feds the power to do so.

6/07/2011

Requiem for a Weiner:
1. The Fall

(A haiku series from actual words sent by an actual congressman through Facebook)

Wow, a Jewish girl
Who sucks cock! Thinking about
Fucking your hot mouth.

Ridiculous bulge
In my shorts won't go away.
Taking pics of it.

How did I miss this
Chance to rock your world by phone?
Give me another

This thing is ready
To do damage...I'm like a
Rock. Stalk me, baby.

2. The Actual Big Story

(Found poem from verbatim headlines from the front of Andrew Breitbart's Big Journalism site)

Weiner admits he sent lewd picture; won't resign
Breitbart takes over Anthony Weiner news conference
Big Govt publisher challenges media to name one lie he has told or reported
Weiner: "I apologize to Andrew Breitbart"
Blitzer: "Breitbart vindicated"
Slate: "When he said, 'I apologize to Andrew Breitbart,' I smelled a lie"
CNN anchors talk through Breitbart’s entire appearance at Weiner presser
A seminal day for new media
Order Breitbart's book

(Note: No links provided. Fuck everyone involved in this godforsaken story.)

6/06/2011

Stupid Fucking Sarah Palin Quotes You Didn't Hear About:
Yeah, yeah, Godzilla of Wasilla was busy this weekend, stomping on the Tokyo of Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum's futile presidential dreams. You've heard about her strange version of the Paul Revere story. You may have even heard when she told Fox "news" host Chris Wallace that it was in response to a "gotcha type of question," which is odd since the question she was responding to was "What have you seen so far today and what are you going to take away from your visit?"

The problem ain't the question. Palin could have answered, "We saw Paul Revere's house. What a great patriot." Done. No, the problem is that Sarah Palin can't shut the fuck up. Like a desperate college student who thinks that, if she keeps talking, the professor will just give her a "C" and let her pass, Palin treads water under the synapses in her brain fire off something like a sentence that includes some dreadful, devolved belief of hers. In this case, it was contorting the Paul Revere story into some kind of 2nd Amendment-related bullshit about arms.

However, the Disasta' from Alaska said lots of other blithering nonsense in that Fox "news" Sunday interview with the soulless shell of Chris Wallace. Hell, it was good enough for Mark Halperin, the -dum of the Game Change-writing Tweedles, to say that she gave strong answers. Whatever the fuck Halperin was talking about, it couldn't have been what she actually said, which were talking points slathered with Palin jelly. Revel in the stupid:

"[I]t's very noble of President Obama to want to stay at the helm and maybe go down with this sinking ship. But I prefer, many Americans prefer, that we start plugging the hole, that we start powering the build [sic] pump and start getting rid of this unsustainable debt that is sinking our ship. We don't have to go the way of the Titanic and there are things that have to be put in place right now before this ship does sink." So, to follow this metaphor, she wants Obama to abandon the sinking ship, but the ship might be the Titanic, which couldn't have been plugged, but if you toss out the debt, the ship will float, but then it's not a sinking ship anymore that President Obama would have abandoned or maybe he wouldn't abandon it if it wasn't sinking and...ow...owww.

"I have - I know that the debt ceiling will be raised, whether I want it to be raised or not. There is a majority in Congress, both sides of the aisle, that will raise the debt ceiling. If I were in Congress, though, I would be a 'no' vote to raising that debt ceiling. I would send that message that it is failed leadership in the White House and with our elected officials when they have allowed to us to get this breaking point, if you will, that Moody's is warning about. So, I vote no on the debt ceiling. It's just going to allow the big spenders another tool to continue to increase debt. So, I believe that the debt ceiling will be raised." Umm...oh, wait, it continues...

"But for those who are already committed to voting for it, they better get something out of it for 'We the people'...How about people like Senator Begich, a Democrat from Alaska. He better get ANWR in this bill, opening another domestic source of energy up there in Alaska when he votes yes for increasing the debt ceiling." You got that? Palin wants to hold the debt ceiling hostage in order to get drilling for oil in ANWR. Where did Halperin get the impression that these were remotely good or informed or anything other than mad answers? The rest of the interview is as numbing as two bullets to the back of the skull.

So maybe this is less about Palin, whose smarmy near-English reflects the head and mind of someone who has slipped on ice one too many times, and more about anyone who would still take Palin seriously in any way, shape, or form. She's the Anthony Weiner photo of the campaign season: it's way easier to talk about than actual things (even for this blogger). And perhaps we need to understand something else. We may want to be done with Palin, but, like a parasite that's feeding on a body, she ain't going anywhere until she's done with us.

By the way, could someone tell her that the words "that" and "those" are not fucking substitutes for "the"?
Late Post Today:
This photo of Rick Santorum's weiner ain't gonna tweet itself. Back later with more locavore rudeness.

6/03/2011

Photos That Give the Rude Pundit a Small Jolt of Comfort:


You're going to see lots of photos of lines today. Most of those will be of the unemployed waiting. Waiting to apply for jobs, waiting to apply for benefits, waiting for further degradation and waiting to see how completely they've been abandoned and stigmatized by an economy that treats the jobless like a new car the moment it's been driven off the lot.

Instead, let's end the week with a different line. That up there is from the hallway outside the Cook County Clerk's office in Chicago on Wednesday morning. That's when Illinois began issuing civil union licenses to gay couples. It grants gay and straight couples the same rights and protections that married couples have. Of course, the straight couples can still get "married," if they want, even if ministers are presiding over civil union ceremonies. But as progress goes, some is better than none. At a celebration in Chicago, 33 couples were joined by Governor Pat Quinn and Mayor Rahm Emanuel, in a show of support for the law.

There were lines in Springfield, Peoria, and Waukegan. Americans exercising their rights right in the middle of middle America. Yet, as of today, the Republic continues.

At a time when we're wearily fighting culture wars that have been raging for decades, it's encouraging to be able to look over the battlefield and say, "Yes, we can see that, through the inevitable, overwhelming force of normalization, victory in this one is assured."

6/02/2011

The Difference Between a Weiner and a Dick:
Man, the Rude Pundit wants all Weiner dick all the time on the TV. He wants every news organization in the world to abandon everything else they're working on to discover whether or not Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner of Queens, NY, sent a picture of his hard cock cloaked in heather boxer briefs to someone somewhere at some point. Why the fuck are we wasting our time on anything else? It's time to bring the full investigative weight of the fifth estate to bear on the Weiner story. 'Cause nothing - nothing - is more important at this point in our history than Anthony Weiner's dick pic.

The Rude Pundit wants reporters following Weiner all the time with crotch-level cameras, ready to record the shifts, rises, falls, swings, and swerves of the congressman's pecker. Then it's time to get motherfuckin' NASA involved. Get some satellites all up in this shit, some motherfuckin' 3-d imaging, some data-mapping, with multi-POV photos that can be combined into some graphic that experts in the field of some-such-shit can compare and announce definitively whether or not Weiner's dick in his pants is the same dick as the dick in the underwear. Get the body language experts to figure out which prick Weiner has when he walks. With certitude, motherfuckers, with certi-fuckin'-tude.

No, wait, get animators to create what those underwear would look like if the dick was flaccid, if different dicks were flaccid, growers, showers, cut, uncut, cloth-covered dick-impressions all around. Show what it would look like moving, leaking, like a child under a blanket. Where's the fuckin' Taiwanese? Are they on it yet?

'Cause we've got to get to the bottom of this. We've got to check the Photoshop layers, the digital information, the super-secret ways of Twitter-posting and yFrog-posting and who can hack what or steal what or what's public or what's where and who might have pressed the wrong button or the right button and, for fuck's sake, let's harass the shit out of that chick in Seattle because she looks so hot and willing to go down on Jewish cock.

C'mon, Andrew Breitbart. Where's James O'Keefe's rape boat now? Why not send out that supple little bitch out all cross-dressed to flirt with Weiner and try to get him all erect and bothered and then video that shit and then edit it so that it looks like Weiner gets a hard-on when he sees a tranny? Send all your idiot minions to make a story where none exists, create another distraction because that's fucking journalism. It has to be because it says so right there on your title, no? Because the only corrective to the mythical liberal media is to just manufacture scandals that discredit those who would give a shit about the poor and disenfranchised, like Shirley Sherrod, like ACORN, like Planned Parenthood, like teachers on a break from school, for fuck's sake. Aid and comfort, Andrew, aid and comfort. But, hey, you play the slavering mainstream media like a whore bragging about his awesome oral skills.

Yeah, nothing's more important than Anthony Weiner's penis, not corporate greed, not Republicans changing the rules of how Washington operates, not things that might actually affect the lives of people. Whatever Rep. Weiner might have done involving a photo of a cock, however much he's equivocating or even lying, at least he's not the dick in this situation.

(Update: Yes, the Taiwanese are on the job. Tip o' the hat to rude reader Brandon S.)

6/01/2011

Regarding Torture and Children and America:
Hamza al-Khateeb might turn out to be the Emmett Till of Syria. The 13-year old boy's body was given back to his parents on May 24. He had been arrested in Saida during a protest against the government on April 29. For the next month, he was tortured by Syrian security forces. He had been shot in both arms and castrated, with "lacerations, bruises and burns to his feet, elbows, face and knees, consistent with the use of electric shock devices and of being whipped with cable." Human Rights Watch has said that this is part of a pattern of abuse of the protesters. When a video of Hamza's body hit the internet, it sparked even more intense protests over the last two days. The Obama administration and especially Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have strongly condemned the Syrian government.

When the Rude Pundit read about Hamza al-Khateeb, his stomach turned. Because it reminded him of this regarding Canadian citizen Maher Arar: He "was driven to Syria, where interrogators, after a day of threats, 'just began beating on me.' They whipped his hands repeatedly with two-inch-thick electrical cables, and kept him in a windowless underground cell that he likened to a grave. 'Not even animals could withstand it,' he said. Although he initially tried to assert his innocence, he eventually confessed to anything his tormentors wanted him to say. 'You just give up,' he said. 'You become like an animal.'"

Arar was sent to Syria in October 2002. He was held there and tortured for a year. He was arrested by the United States and sent first to Jordan before being brought to Syria. He was suspected of being a terrorist. He was sent to Syria so that President George W. Bush could declare to the world that the United States does not torture. That was a lie, and he lied even more plainly when he said that we do not "hand over people to countries that do torture."

But we did. We encouraged Syria to mutilate and degrade prisoners we brought there. We wanted its intelligence service and secret police to do things to suspects that our silly laws and putative morality would not allow. We encouraged Syria and for all those loathsome years at the beginning of this already-weary century, we turned a blind eye. And now the torture of children has become a regular part of the brutality the Syrian military has unleashed on the people.

In Syria, a doctor at a military hospital was interviewed on TV. He said that Hamza's wounds were actually normal decomposition. The secret police detained Hamza's father and tried to force him to tell the media that his son was killed by "Sunni Muslim extremists."

Surely, what happened to Hamza al-Khateeb was a nightmare beyond nightmares most of us are capable of having, far worse, if we can say that, than the extended torture that Maher Arar faced. Surely, we wouldn't think twice that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad should be arrested and charged with crimes against humanity, even if he didn't personally torture prisoners. And, if that is true, then, you see, surely, we must acknowledge and face the fact that the men and women who created and supported the policy that sent hundreds of people to be tortured, some by the same torturers who do the bidding of al-Assad, should also be arrested.

(Note: We still do rendition.)
Big Damn Thanks:
To everyone who came out to last night's standing room only event for The Rude Pundit's Almanack at Housing Works Bookstore in NYC.

And to Jeff Kreisler, Sady Doyle, Jill Filipovic, David Rees, and Rachel Sklar for their damn funny stories about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, promise rings, and more.

A podcast of "Rude Awakenings" will be available soon.