Right-Wingers Are Conspicuously Silent on the Hurricane Katrina Anniversary:
Michelle Malkin, whose Shih Tzu yips of desperation for relevance have grown hoarse of late, puts the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina in context for us all: "[D]on't expect any of these reconciliation-seeking leaders to confront the indelible stain of racial demagoguery left by the left in Katrina's aftermath." Yep, that's right. For Malkin, it's time for the left (especially the black left) to apologize to white people for saying mean things about them because of Katrina. Or implying mean things, as when she slams Jimmy Carter for saying, at Coretta Scott King's funeral, "We only have to recall the color of the faces of those in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi, those who were most devastated by Katrina, to know that there are not yet equal opportunities for all Americans." That bastard.

The conspicuous silence from the right wing punditeratti on the devastation of Hurricane Katrina was almost comical. While MSNBC and CNN did extensive reporting from New Orleans and with their major show host offering commentary, over on Fox "news," it seems like Murdoch garbled out an order to avoid the topic. For, truly, if the best you've got is Neil Cavuto doing an in-studio talk with disgraced FEMA director and horse wrangler Michael "Brownie" Brown, then your network just doesn't give a rat's ass about the subject. Otherwise, a couple of brief reports, a Shepard Smith thing, and we're out.

Nothing from O'Reilly, from Hannity. Not a word from Limbaugh. No oh-so-precious tweets from Palin.

Indeed, in daring to even evoke Katrina, Malkin stands out as having a kind of idiotic bravery, for she veered from all Beck and all "mosque" to actually speak the name that dare not be spoken: George W. Bush (as in, "Hating George W. Bush means never having to say you're sorry").

You'd've thought someone from the Bush administration might wanna say something, maybe even Cheney or the man hisself. But perhaps he's still waiting for that judgment of history, which he seems to think will vindicate every fuck-up and reverse all the damage he did. Or maybe he's just hoping, aided and abetted by the right, that everyone will just forget he was there.


Nine Final Observations on the Beckture: So That Happened:
A few random things left over from watching Glenn Beck's Tent Revival Meeting and Hoveround Demonstration this past Saturday in DC:

1. What the fuck was that? No, really. Before it happened, Beck was promising nothing short of a "miracle." Instead, what we got was a Very Special Episode of The Glenn Beck Show, starring Glenn Beck as the lovable lump Glenn Beck, featuring the Glenn Beck Minstrels. It was terrible and boring and old and white. It wasn't frightening, as some liberals have said. It was pathetic, like watching a parade of freaks from a Fellini film. And Beck's hour-long speech was absolute fucking nonsense. The Rude Pundit's seen actual tent-revival preachers who have been awe-inspiring and scary. Fuck, he's seen scabby homeless guys screaming about Armageddon on the street corner who were more coherent.

2. You can't spend every day of your life making broad, awful, confrontational political statements in order to get an audience and then say you're gonna have a big damn life-changing rally but it won't be political. No, motherfucker. It's political because you're political. You can wave your hammy arms at the different memorials in DC like the most enthusiastic tour guide in history, you can yell about a magical sky wizard, but it's political. And people who think it wasn't political are the blind fools who always follow the deranged sociopath right off the cliff. It was political because it was specifically Christian, specifically putting American history in a Christian context. (Yes, he trotted out a Jew.)

3. The best analogy the Rude Pundit can come up with for the whole goddamn ridiculous waste of time is the Hajj, the annual Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca. For what was this but a journey from across the nation of Christians going to the city of our stone holy sites in order to pray.

4. Advice to unthinking Beckerheads: Just because one says something with fervor and volume does not make it true. However, a good con man has to act as if he believes the lie and act accordingly. (So, you know, kudos, Glenn.)

5. Fun juxtaposition:
Glenn Beck, speaking on Friday at the Kennedy Center, just before raping a kitten, using his tears for lube: "We are 12 hours away from fundamentally transforming the United States of America."

Sarah Palin, speaking at the Beckture: "We must not fundamentally transform America, as some would want."

6. Neither Beck nor Palin nor the crowd nor his own niece understood a goddamned thing about Martin Luther King, Jr. Beck has reduced King to "the content of character, going so far as to say on Fox "news" the next day that King's actual ideas on economic justice are "racial politics." Using "racial politics" as a pejorative against King is like using "touchdown" as an attack on the skills of Peyton Manning. Beck perverted King, transforming one of the most confrontational figures in history into Dream Negro, the Care Bear.

7. If this was, as some analysts have said, like the Obama rallies of 2008, well, all one can say to the people there, "You've got one hell of a letdown coming your way."

8. And you follow someone who admits that he cries all the time and hears voices whose only advice to you is "Pray." Did you need to hear that?

9. In the end, Beck introduced a group of religious leaders (almost all Christian) who he called his new Black Robe Regiment, as if they were superheroes ready to fly off the stage and kick ass. They did not.

Query: If anyone can tell the Rude Pundit how that was an important or interesting event at all, please do it. Because, in all honestly, he's boggled and confused.

(For the live-tweets during the Beckture and the pre-Beckture, check out the Rude Pundit on Twitter.)


Live-Tweeting the Beckture:
Yes, I'm taking one for the team (not there, but watching on C-SPAN). Join the fun.


Glenn Beck's 8/28 Extravaganza Will Rule All the Heavens and Earth (Part 2):
Out in the crowd on August 28, 2010, around the Reflecting Pool near the Lincoln Memorial, at Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally, Jessie Ray Floyd wasn't sure what he was supposed to think. He turned to his beloved Lurvene, seated on her Hoveround, and said, "Is this blasphemy?" Lurvene, all 350 diabetic pounds of her, managed an undulating motion that was akin to a shrug. "I hope not," Jessie Ray said. "I hope we didn't drive all the way from Arkansas just to see some blasphemy." He looked around and saw some people standing dumbfounded, like him, but others, by the thousands, were on their knees, wailing at the sky, mouthing something that looked like, "Not again."

For, up on the stage on the steps of leading to the giant Lincoln statue, there were three wooden crosses. One held a confused, crucified Sean Hannity, who shouted that Glenn Beck could take his prime time slot if only to stop the pain. Another was empty, a saved Bill O'Reilly having been taken down because he had been given a blessing by Beck. On the third, well, there, nailed through his hands and feet, crown of thorns on his head (although someone should have pulled the pink roses off the stems), Beck presented himself to his worshipers. "This is for your sins, America," he said, huskily, his voice weakening with the loss of blood. "I am dying for your sins." He hoped he had the timing right and that he would be taken down before he actually died, that he would be taken to the Tomb of the Unknowns and locked in, presumably deceased, and that he would rise again on 9/12. What's a little blood and a whole lot of pain if it seals your place in history? One for the ages, yokels and yahoos, one for the ages.

But now Beck is having what he hopes are visions. In the distance, walking right through the waters of the Reflecting Pool are Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr. They seem to be about twenty feet tall, if not bigger. And they're not wearing pants, penises as big as komodo dragons dangling in front of them. Beck wants it to be a vision, but he sees the crowd start to scream and run away. And before he knows it, the two giants are standing on either side of him, having swatted away all the security. The sky goes dark and just as Beck is about to speak, Lincoln shoves the tip of his massive dick in Beck's mouth. Lincoln says to the radio host, "With malice toward none, but you, with charity for all, but you, blow me."

King says to the choking Beck, "I have a dream that one day you'll be judged not by the color of your skin but the quality of your ass." And he heads behind the cross to pull down Beck's pants.

Even on his nails, Beck squirms and convulses at the idea of being the meat in a Martin Luther King/Abraham Lincoln sandwich. He manages to pull away from Lincoln for a moment and says, "I thought you were non-violent."

King stops. "You're right, Glenn. Thank you for helping me reclaim my vision and dream. I won't fuck your asshole. Instead, let me introduce you to my friend, Malcolm X."

Jessie Ray turns to Lurvene, "You wanna keep watchin' this?" Lurvene squints at the distant stage and at the images projected on giant screens next to the stage, a crucified Beck being awkwardly ass-fucked by a twenty-foot tall Malcolm X while Lincoln is balls deep in the Fox "news" host's face. King is sitting on the stage, laughing. He always loved a good dirty joke. He didn't realize it, but he had squashed Sarah Palin when he took a seat.

Every once in a while, Hannity softly says, "Umm, can someone get me down?" No one is listening anymore, though.

Lurvene looks up at her husband. "What do you think?"

"I think it's bullshit. I think it's blasphemy and bullshit," Jessie Ray answers. "Let's go."

As the crowd moans and tries to figure out whether to flee or help, Lurvene asks Jessie Ray, "Whatcha wanna do? You wanna just go home?" They pass the Washington Monument and they can hear Lincoln cry out, "Oh, shit," as he pulls out and cums on Beck's face.

"Seems a shame to waste a trip," says Jessie Ray.



"I think we've had enough history for one day."


"Makes sense." And Lurvene and Jessie Ray head off for dim sum.


Glenn Beck's 8/28 Extravaganza Will Rule All the Heavens and Earth (Part 1):
Glenn Beck didn't think that crucifixion would hurt so much. Sure, sure, in an abstract sense, he understood that having nails driven into his hands and feet would cause pain. A good follower of Christ always understands that the Son of God suffered mightily. But, holy shit, it really fucking hurts. "You want us to stop?" asks Jonah Goldberg, who's wheezing at the effort.

"No," a sweaty Beck exclaims, "I promised something big. Oh, fuck. It hurts. Keep hammering." Beck screams as Goldberg shrugs and continues swinging. The nails are special: they are carved from the bones of George Washington and John Adams, sharpened femurs, polished and lacquered. The crowd of 5 million people (according to Beck's estimate - others will say it's about 20 grand) stares dumbfounded as gushes of blood coat Goldberg and fellow hammerer Stu, who's weeping, too. Blood trickles down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial as a wailing Sarah Palin kneels, facing the scene. She's dressed as one of the Marys. It's hard to tell which.

This is the climax of the day, August 28, the epiphany at the end of the weekend devoted to Restoring Honor to America. The performance at the Kennedy Center the night before was one for the ages. Beck announced the tone for the evening when he walked on stage and triumphantly held up a 10-inch vibrator made of gold, dropped his pants, and started fucking his own asshole with it, inserting it and putting it on high speed. Then he took out the skull of Woodrow Wilson, yelled, shakily, "I hate this son of a bitch," and started thrusting his dick into the eyehole, crying, singing, "God Bless America," as he came and shit at the same time. The audience at the Kennedy Center wept, too, and cheered. As assistants wiped his ass and balls, Beck, sobbing, looked out at the crowd, and said, "God told me to do that. He told me to skull fuck Woodrow Wilson while reaming myself with a gold vibrator. Thus begins the new age. Thus starts the new American miracle." Beck walked off as a riot ensued as attendees fought to grab the shit and cum-stained tissues from the stage.

Earlier on this Saturday, this God-kissed, sunshine-covered turning point of an event, Beck had had himself whipped and scourged by men dressed as George Soros and Saul Alinsky. He walked through the crowd, hauling a wooden cross, wearing a crown of thorns. At first, everyone thought that it was just a show, that Beck would make a heartfelt speech, cry some more, tell them all it was an historical day that will be remembered for centuries and be read about by children and grandchildren. And that would have been fine. Even when Beck silenced the choir and pulled down curtains to reveal Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity already crucified, most of the audience laughed uncomfortably, used to the rodeo clown antics of Beck.

But when the blood started to flow, when Beck first screeched, "Oh, fuck me," it dawned on the crowd that that motherfucker was really gonna do it. He had to one-up Martin Luther King, Jr. The only way to do that? Actual self-martyrdom.

When the nailing is finished, the radio and TV host nods and, using ropes and winches, the cross is erected so that bleeding Beck faces the crowd. He is still miked. "This is for you, America. This is for you. I'm dying for you. For your sins." He's losing blood. He wearily turns to O'Reilly. "I forgive you," Beck says. He turns to Hannity. "Go to Hell." He sees the teeming hordes, mouths open, tears streaming; he looks down at Palin, who is tweeting, "Beck xifiz for u 2be better ppl." He's having visions, having visions. He sees, as large as the Washington Monument, walking towards him, Martin Luther King. And Abraham Lincoln. And they're not wearing pants.

(Find out why tomorrow in the exciting conclusion.)


Postdiluvian New Orleans: Still in Black and White, Still Fucked:

The levee along the 17th Street Canal was breached in the rising waters after Hurricane Katrina five years ago because it was shabbily designed and built. It was, more or less, a piece of shit when it came to standing up to a major storm. The area that the breach flooded, Lakeview, was what is generally referred to as a "white neighborhood" (and, yes, people of other races lived and live there). That Google Earth picture up there is a 2010 photo of a block from Lakeview, and it's pretty much similar to the same patchwork of houses and empty lots that we saw yesterday in the Lower Ninth Ward, although with a few more houses than blank slates. The Lower Ninth, as we have been told on numerous occasions, is a "black neighborhood."

If you had the exact same house in each neighborhood pre-Katrina, your home would have been worth far more in Lakeview than in the Lower Ninth. Why? Because houses are worth more if they're not near toxic chemical sites and refineries, like in the Lower Ninth. Yeah, that. And, you know, racism.

Now, if, say, the levees near both houses are pieces of shit that are breached by the first bad storm and both houses are destroyed, both need to be repaired or rebuilt from scratch. Unfortunately, Home Depot doesn't sell drywall and roofing at black or white prices. It just sells those materials. And, unfortunately, the Road Home program, set up by Louisiana to provide money for rebuilding, based individual applicants' grants on home values, as if applicants were buying existing homes. Which, you know, dicked over people in the Lower Ninth.

Last week, a federal judge said, "Wow, that was pretty fucking dumb, Louisiana. And it's flat out discrimination. Stop it. Now." Of course it was in legalese, and of course Judge Henry Kennedy said it only affects those who still have pending applications, and of course Kennedy said that the state was immune from any tort claims from previous grantees. So, sorry, 20,000 black homeowners, you were fucked, but you have no recourse except the right to say, "Man, I was fucked."

You wanna up the viciousness of this? There's only 179 remaining applicants that this would affect, yet the state of Louisiana is planning to appeal the decision.

Just another reminder that, no matter how much you hear about the "recovery" in New Orleans, all things are relative. Sure, it's better than a flood-ravaged hellscape where the cops shoot people at will while citizens are forced to fend for themselves. Really, unless you add zombies, few things are worse.

But the reality of the situation is that we're getting into the awful mundanity of an ongoing disaster, where money is fought over for long periods of time, whether for Katrina-related or BP oil spill damage. Remember: the state of Louisiana ain't going anywhere (despite the best efforts of BP, the Army Corps of Engineers, and others). But many people affected by the disasters won't last as long as a lawsuit can be stretched out by the state, by BP. And that's another catastrophe.


The Last Heterosexuals Promo (For Now) and This Week's Stephanie Miller Show Appearance:
One more chance to see Heterosexuals, the Rude Pundit's new play at the New York International Fringe Festival. Spend your Wednesday afternoon at the most divisive show of this year's Fringe NYC:

Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances at The Cherry Pit at 155 Bank St.

And here's the Rude Pundit talking mosquemania on The Stephanie Miller Show:
Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Down a Handful of Klonopin with an Abita Beer:

That's a 2010 Google Earth picture of a block in the Lower Ninth Ward in New Orleans. Those things that look like graves are the foundations of homes that no longer exist. Or, you know, graves, more or less.

This is what it looks like on the ground. It's one of the Discovery Channel shows on "after humans," except there's still humans.

And, five years after Hurricane Katrina, the greatest progress in the Lower Ninth is that the wreckage is gone. But for many, many blocks, it's just back to nature.


In Brief: Oklahoma City Must Not Have Hallowed Ground:
The federal building in Oklahoma City was deliberately rebuilt only three stories tall because, among other reasons, workers feared that the height of the previous one, the 9-story Murrah Building, contributed to the number of dead. The new one, completed in December 2003 is located just north of the memorial to the victims of Timothy McVeigh and the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing.

Inside that building is everything despised by McVeigh and Terry Nichols and the legion of survivalist zealots who have believed the end is nigh for decades. That includes a United States Marine Corps recruiting station. McVeigh was not a Marine. He was in the Army. However, certain beliefs and knowledge were inculcated in him while in the U.S. Military. And now, there, overlooking the site where one of the military's own, McVeigh, used his weapons knowledge to murder 168 people, is an office set up to specifically recruit young Americans to join in the kind of training that Timothy McVeigh had. God, how we disregarded the hallowed ground right in front of the new building.

Sure, you might say, he killed military people, too. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that Timothy McVeigh, under the pretense of guarding the country, became adept with guns and bomb-making materials. And he met Nichols, another soldier, who joined with McVeigh to attack the United States.

Yet the inclusion of a USMC recruitment post didn't stir a whit of controversy. Imagine if hundreds of people had showed up to protest the military office. Imagine how they would have been treated. Imagine the defense: "Sure, the only purpose of the military is to destroy those who oppose America, but that doesn't mean that everyone involved is a stone cold killer. In fact, there's only a small percentage of members of the military who are potentially murderous neo-Nazis. Sleeper cells, if you will. There's no reason to discredit the entire military." Or, more likely, "That's just fucking insane."

Just like the entire debate over the Muslim community center a couple of blocks from the future Freedom Tower.

(There's just two more chances to see Heterosexuals, the Rude Pundit's new play:

Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances at The Cherry Pit at 155 Bank St.)


Two Chances Left to See One of the "Hottest Shows at the FringeNYC":
Yep, according to nytheatre.com, Heterosexuals is one of the hottest shows at this year's Fringe Festival up here in New York City. And it's also one of the most polarizing:

Is it “a bold, brutally honest look at monogamy, infidelity, and the desperation of being single...presented in an articulate and funny manner,” as Danny Bowes of nytheatre.com says?

Or is it a “misogynistic” and “miserable—and gratuitously potty-mouthed—cavalcade of infidelity, monogamy anxiety, and straight-male angst,” according to Paul Menard of Backstage?

Is it “a gut-wrenching exploration of the power of the human sexual drive” that “manages to break new ground...Excellently written and performed,” as says Nancy Kelly at Theatre Is Easy?

Or is it “sex talk for the sake of sex talk, ‘shock’ for the sake of shocking...a detached, observational outing….like anonymous love-making,” as Matthew Murray of Talkin’ Broadway writes?

Or it could be “a deconstructionist take on sexual nature that focuses on primal urges” that can be “uncomfortable and surprisingly raw,” according to Chris Kompanek of Theatremania?

Which side will you come down on?

There's just two more chances to see the Rude Pundit's new play:

Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances at The Cherry Pit at 155 Bank St.


This Is the Way the World Ends: Not with a Bang, But at McDonald's:

Out in Northern California and Nevada this past Tuesday, McDonald's, the fast food giant known for burgers, fries, and a horrible clown that makes John Wayne Gacy look like Emmett Kelly, held job fairs for 1000 positions at 600 locations across the Far West. That works out to be less than two jobs per MickeyD's. According to reports, "thousands of job seekers" turned up, with lines reported in many locations.

The positions will mostly be for $8 an hour for 20 hours a week or less, with some having access to benefits. Those benefits are what attracted many.

Out in Sacramento, where that picture up there is from, 300 people showed up for the jobs at five locations; according to the owner, they were "people from (age) 16 to folks with families; people with four-year degrees to others with résumés two pages long."

This is where we are. This is our American present. While we fiddle away our precious time on nonsense like where a Muslim community center is built or whether the President worships one sky wizard or another, in Fresno, San Francisco, and Reno, there's lines out the door of people hoping for the opportunity to serve Big Macs.

By the way, the Rude Pundit's no economist, but he can figure out why the Golden Arches needs to hire more people: it's the only place most of us can afford to eat anymore. Supply and demand, man, supply and demand.

(Note: Three more chances to see the Rude Pundit's new play, Heterosexuals, at the New York International Fringe Theatre Festival:

Saturday, August 21 at 10 pm
Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances at The Cherry Pit at 155 Bank St.)


Why Glenn Beck Ought to Be Repeatedly Cock-Punched (Latter-Day Saints Edition):
Last night, on Glenn Beck Licks His Own Taint on Fox "news," our pudgy host with the tin foil-colored hair was on the verge of going the full Mormon. In the course of another of his incoherent rambles, the kinds of streams of consciousness that'd make James Joyce say, "Whoa, that shit doesn't makes sense," stately, plump Glenn Beck promised that he was a-gonna rock our worlds about the history of the United States. Why? Because "Divine Providence happened here. This is what was happening in America between 1730 and 1840." Which is damn convenient, since Joseph Smith wrote and published the Book of Mormon in that time.

Beck mixed in something about how Indians were thought of as savages, Manifest Destiny, Enlightenment thought, and a bunch of names. One might think of it as a yummy gumbo of information if the stock wasn't made of crazy juice spiked with bullshit. Eventually, he got around to defending Indians by saying that he's going to show us "the history that has been erased by science and the Smithsonian." Aw, sweet Brigham Young's testicle hair, finally a conspiracy theory to pin this shit on.

And then this deranged motherfucker starts throwing nutzoid stuff at you like Agent Mulder on acid: the Newark Earthworks in Ohio, an ancient Hopewell tribe burial site where some archaeologist said he found a carved stone with the Ten Commandments on it. "Mainstream archaeologists still dismiss the findings. They found it in Israel and they found it in Ohio. But there was another stone that they found that they couldn't argue," Beck offered.

And then he introduced us to another rock with some Hebrewish gobbledy-gook on it, a stone found in Tennessee with what is known as the "Bat Creek Inscription." It's all part of a history that "the Smithsonian, science, government, commerce colluded to erase." The part that Beck doesn't state is that this is significant because Mormons believe that Indians are descended from a Hebrew tribe that crossed the ocean to America in ancient times, bringing their Hebrewy language with 'em. Lamanites, they're called in their good book. And that the Earthworks, with its seeming association with the Egyptian pyramids, the Decalogue stone, and the Bat Creek thing prove it.

(Just as an aside, the Rude Pundit should say here that he doesn't think that any one religion is any more batshit insane than any other, that they are all based on stuff what they interpret to be magical. You wanna believe that Jesus came to Boise or whatever? Fine. It's all made up shit, so why not just make shit up?)

According to Beck, "The history - the history that has been erased in our nation and, in particular, with the Native Americans, happened because it didn't fit the story they created - manifest destiny. It only works if the Indians were savages. And they had to have savages for commerce and government to expand. The ancient artifacts prove otherwise. Why aren't we looking into those?"

By the way, the artifacts are bullshit frauds, the 19th century version of a kid in a balloon. Yeah, there is a hell of a lot of erased history. Hebrew tribes in America ain't part of it.

And Beck's goal here? Well, considering the confused mish-mash of things what sound real and things what aren't, it sure seems a bit like proselytizing on Fox's dime, like he's trying to convert people. Or, you know, brainwash 'em.

(Note: Four more chances to see the Rude Pundit's new play, Heterosexuals, at the New York International Fringe Theatre Festival:
Thursday, August 19 at 2 pm
Saturday, August 21 at 10 pm
Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances at The Cherry Pit.)


The Rude Pundit's New Play, Heterosexuals, is "Bold" and "Brutally Honest" (Like Stephanie Miller):
Heterosexuals is "a bold, brutally honest look at monogamy, infidelity, and the desperation of being single" that contains "one of the most impressive acts of passive-aggressive cruelty one is ever going to see onstage" in "a show to be seen if you like your comedy with a healthy dose of truth and insight, and if you like your truth and insight presented in an articulate and funny manner."

And you've got four more chances to see it at the New York International Fringe Theatre Festival:
Thursday, August 19 at 2 pm
Saturday, August 21 at 10 pm
Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances at The Cherry Pit.

And here's this week's adventures with Stephanie Miller, where we barely talk about gay stuff:

You Hate America If You Are Against Park 51:
The Rude Pundit was not going to write about the Not-At-Ground-Zero Not-Just-A-Mosque again today. For, truly, there's a few more important things going on in the world, like, you know, the floods in Pakistan and that war you might not really remember in Afghanistan. But the complete fucktardation over the building of a Muslim organization's community center on a shitty block in the vicinity of the seedling of an office building that will be known as "the Freedom Tower" is another of those continuing demonstrations of what a bunch of simpletons fill the airwaves, streets, and legislative halls of this country.

Here's what GOP House candidate Ron McNeil said to schoolkids at a Panama City, Florida forum: "That religion is against everything America stands for. If we have to let them build it, make them build it nine stories underground, so we can walk above it as citizens and Christians."

For bonus points, another stupid fuck at the same event said, "If we were under Muslim law, you girls wouldn’t be sitting here showing any kind of skin. You would be in hot burqas and…you wouldn’t be sitting in school." It's like saying that if the Amish ran the joint, they wouldn't have iPhones. Again, this was to middle and high school kids being told by presumptive adults that they should hate Muslims.

Down the road, in Florida's 22nd District, a few months ago, Tea Party candidate Allen West (aka "Oh, God, Let This Black Guy Win So We Can Show We're Not Racist") hulked out over those hippie "Coexist" bumper stickers, saying that Islam is a "very vile and very vicious enemy that we have allowed to come in this country because we ride around with bumper stickers that say, 'Coexist.'" (Bonus points: he has been especially idiotic about Park 51.)

Let's bottom line this shit and then the Rude Pundit's done: You despise this country if you think the Cordoba Initiative should move its planned community center. You have no understanding of the Constitution. If fact, you are in opposition to it. You have no respect for freedom of religion or speech. You are a coward who believes that the Constitution and the nation are too fucking weak to handle such freedoms. If you're not one of the crass politicians seeking to exploit the simpletons for your gain or a ratings-whore on Fox, you are a vile, hate-filled, unprincipled lump of shit who thinks that rights are only good when convenient for you, and you are too fucking lazy to fight for anything other than your prejudice and hatred. That's easy, motherfucker.

But because the Rude Pundit does believe in principles and rights, he thinks it's nobody's fucking business (including the mythologized 9/11 families) where the damn thing's built. What's more, even though he thinks you're a knuckle-dragging yahoo, he'd defend to the end your right to yowl your imbecility through your facehole.


Shit the Imam Says:
Really, oh, sweet, imbecilic right-wingers? Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf of the Cordoba Initiative, which dares to want cheap real estate in New York City in order to build a Muslim community center, is a radical? Really? Does anyone actually understand the meaning of "radical" anymore?

Here's what he's said over the last few years. Mullah Omar, he ain't:

"The issue of women's rights is more than an issue for women or about women. It involves everyone...The best of you are those who are best to their women. Consequently, the worst of men are those who are worst to their women."- From the Yemen Times, August 9, 2009, at a conference on advancing the cause of women in Islam.

Rauf believes in "showing those who resort to violence that it is counter to the very idea of Islam." - From the Khaleej Times (UAE), July 5, 2009.

"Islam denounces suicide of any sort, especially suicide bombings that kill innocents. Even in a defensive war sanctioned by Islamic law, suicide is expressly forbidden." - From a June 2009 commentary by Rauf.

"The Quran expressly and unambiguously prohibits the coercion of faith because that violates a fundamental human right - the right to a free conscience. The Quran says in one place 'There shall be no compulsion in religion.' And in another it says, 'To you your beliefs and to me, mine.'"- Same as above.

"Rauf was one of the few Muslim leaders who appealed for calm and tolerance after the Regensburg speech." From the New Yorker, April 2, 2007, regarding Pope Benedict's 2006 lecture where he quoted a Muslim-hating Byzantine emperor. Riots ensued.

Young Muslims "are deeply frustrated by what's going on in the name of Islam. They feel they are paying a price for actions done by a very, very negligible minority, but which capture the attention of the media. Terrorism done in the name of Islam has hurt Muslims as much, if not more, than it has hurt Westerners." - From a June 2006 U.S. State Department press release on a conference regarding Muslim youths.

"This is why we have been looking for, calling for so long for democratic regimes, for societies where people are empowered in much of the Arab and Muslim world. We are seeing massive changes going on right now in the Arab and Muslim world. When you have a disempowered people, you have things like this going on." - From a February 7, 2006 interview on ABC regarding the protests over the Danish cartoons depicting Mohammed.

"The Qur'an needs to be the backing of our activism towards human rights"- From Islamic Horizons, November 2004, at a conference on religion and peacebuilding held at the College of Notre Dame.

"It's because they love what we have here, and we have prevented them from having it there. We have supported regimes that have been authoritarian and oppressive to their own people. This is why people are angry with us. If we had encouraged democracy in Saudi Arabia, Osama bin Laden would have run for political office there." - From a July 10, 2004 interview with the Dallas Morning News, upon being asked if terrorists "hate our freedoms."

"This what we call 'a no-brainer.'" - from the Guardian, September 3, 2002, on the need for just the type of center to be build at Park 51 because, in 2002, there were "25 centres for Jewish-Christian understanding in the United States, only two for Muslim-Christian understanding, and zero for Muslim-Jewish understanding."

(Note: Tonight's the night: Heterosexuals opens in NYC at the Cherry Pit at 6:30.)


In Brief: The "Ground Zero Mosque" and Victim Worship:
Here's one of the stupidest things said so far about the whole big ball of stupid that is the "controversy" over the Muslim community center being built two blocks from the site of the former World Trade Center: "Everything Bloomberg and Barack Obama say about this sounds right. But if the only constituency that matters here - the ones left behind by the victims of Sept. 11 - think they're wrong, they are." That bit of solipsism masked as empathy is from New York Daily News writer Mike Lupica.

Really? How much of the architecture of Lower Manhattan needs to meet with the approval of the families of 9/11 victims? Did they vote? Because of fears of offending their apparently delicate sensibilities, in 2005, the International Freedom Center was booted from the plans for construction at Ground Zero because it might not be solely devoted to fetishizing the attacks of 2001. Or, in other words, because it might have too much freedom. The fear that mean art might leap off the page and attack 9/11 survivors also got the Drawing Center to withdraw from the site's proposed Frank Gehry-designed art center, which has still not gotten off the ground.

Enough. Truly, enough. This is written with utter sympathy for people who lost loved ones or were hurt or made ill by the attack on 9/11. But it is with complete disdain and a "fuck you" to those who exploit their pain in order to spread hatred (and that includes some of the victims themselves). There is something appalling and sick about watching preening bags of fuck prance around on Fox "news" and use dead people as shields so they can say bad things about Democrats, liberals, and/or Muslims.

And, by the way, have you ever spent time in the blocks around Ground Zero? It ain't some pristine site of our American revirgination. It's a filthy downtown of a city, like every filthy city downtown. The streets are dirty; there's homeless people all around; there's discount stores, fast food joints, and other crap places in between the decent buildings and public art. Some of the people from outside the city who want to talk about "honoring the dead" or some such shit probably buy the crap Twin Tower souvenirs from the Middle Easterners selling them at grubby tables across the street, between Ground Zero and the Trinity Church, or they get street meat from Halal carts. Fuck, before the 9/11 attacks, it was a fucking wasteland at night and on the weekends down there. The Cordoba House? That's on a block that no one walks down unless they're specifically looking for a place there, not because it's dangerous, but because it's just another goddamned city block with nothing special about it.

So, really, truly, take your sudden belief in the glowing sanctity of the ground that holds the construction site of an office building that will be filled with Wall Streeters dicking over Middle America and shove it up your opportunistic and hateful asses.

(Brief blogging continues until after the Rude Pundit's new play, Heterosexuals, opens tomorrow at 6:30 p.m.)


New Rude Pundit Play Debuts on Tuesday and This Week's Stephanie Miller Show (Updated with Fun Photos):

Anne Teutschel and Elizabeth McNelis in Heterosexuals

Jeff Kreisler and Elizabeth McNelis play games.

It's sexy, it's dark, it's funny. It's Heterosexuals, the new Rude Pundit play. Featuring comedian Jeff Kreisler, Anne Teutschel, and Elizabeth McNelis, it's two women, one man, and 80 minutes that might fuck you up. Or get you laid.

Here's another totally out of context line to tease ya:
"I went home, wet for myself on the L train, practically running upstairs in anticipation, saying damn the e-mail, screw you, Blackberry, throwing off my skirt and panties and going at it."

The Rude Pundit's 2005 Fringe Festival play sold out. Tickets are on sale now in New York City for $15 in advance, $18 at the door (and the Rude Pundit will be at every performance):

Click on the date to purchase tickets for the FringeNYC performances:

Tuesday, August 17 at 6:30 pm
Thursday, August 19 at 2 pm
Saturday, August 21 at 10 pm
Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances of Heterosexuals are at The Cherry Pit at 155 Bank Street.

You can also see Jeff Kreisler at the Fringe performing his one-man comedy Get Rich Cheating.

Oh, and, hey, here's the Rude Pundit this week with pre-lesbian Stephanie Miller:


In Brief: Conservative Columnist Cal Thomas Says the Terrorists Are Right:
That headline is not hyperbole. Entirely straight right-wing nutzoid Cal Thomas, who is entirely straight despite always looking like he's contemplating balls dangling in front of his face, said so in his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the incoherent yawps of a man so sexually repressed that he'd make John Calvin say, 'Dude, you need to get laid'"). The entirely straight Thomas writes, regarding the Proposition 8 decision in California, "A nation that loses its moral sense is a nation without any sense at all. Muslim fanatics who wish to destroy us are correct in their diagnosis of our moral rot: loss of a fear of God, immodesty, especially among women, materialism and much more."

You got that? The Muslim terrorists are right. Even though he follows it up with "their solution -- Sharia law -- is wrong," he adds, "they are not wrong about what ails us."

Can you imagine what would happen if a liberal columnist or, say, a Bill Ayers said something like that? Glenn Beck's head would explode into thousand spiky-haired shards. Liz Cheney and Bill Kristol would be madly balling each other on the set of Hannity in crazed jubilation over having someone else to attack. Any association that the writer or speaker had with anyone in the Obama administration would immediately be exploited to show that the President sides with Al-Qaeda and Robert Gibbs would apologize for it. But it's not a liberal. It's entirely straight Cal Thomas, batshit insane conservative and thus his support of the terrorists' position is not important.

And the entirely straight Thomas doesn't even condemn the tactics of "Muslim fanatics." No, just that they prefer nutzoid Islam to nutzoid Christianity. Thomas says of the post-1950s "destruction" of America through "tolerance," "None of this should surprise anyone who takes the time to read and understand what happens to people and nations that disregard God." See? Entirely straight Cal Thomas is very different from Muslim extremists because...ummm...

(Short posts this week due to the upcoming production of the Rude Pundit's new play, Heterosexuals in New York City. Come and have some filthy fun.

Click on the date to purchase tickets for the FringeNYC performances:

Tuesday, August 17 at 6:30 pm
Thursday, August 19 at 2 pm
Saturday, August 21 at 10 pm
Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm)


Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Slap His Forehead and Down a Vicodin:

Yeah, that's another oil well blow-out. Yeah, it's in Louisiana, in Assumption Parish. Yeah, it's pretty much the Middle of Fucking Nowheresville (even if a few homes were evacuated and roads closed). Yeah, it's happening right now.

Of course, you see those green fields around the spraying well? That's sugar cane. Of course, the cause was probably a blow-out preventer that didn't work or wasn't installed properly. Of course, the oil has drifted to farms a mile away. Of course, it's gonna take two to ten days to cap it.

No, this is not about false equivalences. No, this well is not the same as the BP Gulf of Mexico leak. But it does demonstrate once again how completely integrated into our day-to-day life the wells themselves are, that they are not simply distant platforms in the ocean or There Will Be Blood-esque derricks in vast plains of dirt.

Bonus points: Oil is coming from the annulus, "the circular space, or void, between the well pipe in the center of the well and the face of the well bore." Some jokes are self-evident.

(Short posts this week due to the upcoming production of the Rude Pundit's new play, Heterosexuals. Come and have some filthy fun.

Click on the date to purchase tickets for the FringeNYC performances:

Tuesday, August 17 at 6:30 pm
Thursday, August 19 at 2 pm
Saturday, August 21 at 10 pm
Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm)


In Brief: We Just Got Totally Lapped By Mexico:

The Mexico Supreme Court ruled 9-2 yesterday that every state in that country must recognize marriages for gay couples that are performed in Mexico City, where it's legal. In other words, according to the court, a marriage is a contract. All contracts are valid across the nation. In other words, Mexico just zipped past the good ol' USA when it comes to gay rights.

(Work on the new play by the Rude Pundit, Heterosexuals, opening on August 17, makes for light blogging.)


No, Fuck You, Robert Gibbs:
You gotta bet that White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was so goddamned pleased with himself when, in an interview with The Hill, he got his nasty on about "the professional left." See how brave he is? Attacking the people from whom the President is supposed to have spawned? Yeah, you know that Gibbs got a little boner when he spat, "They will be satisfied when we have Canadian health care and we’ve eliminated the Pentagon. That’s not reality." "Oh," he must have thought, "how Rahm will scratch me behind my ears and laugh as I lick my balls." Such praise is rare these days. (Speaking as a relatively semi-pro leftist, Canadian health care? Sure. Eliminate the Pentagon? Not so much. Cut the Pentagon maybe to a square or a triangle? Sure.)

So, let's get this straight, Bobby G. We on the left warned your boss and the Democrats that every time you reached out your hands to the Republicans, those fuckers would just gnaw on 'em. But you kept on with the effort of bipartisanship, watering down bills and watering 'em down. Anyone with a lick of sense knew that the GOP was just setting you up: force 'em to compromise and then make sure that what gets passed does just a scintilla of what could have been done. On bill after bill these mad negotiations occurred, and now you're accusing us of not living in reality? No, really, truly, fuck you, man.

Gibbs also said, "I hear these people saying he’s like George Bush. Those people ought to be drug tested. I mean, it's crazy." You really wanna have this fight? 'Cause when's the last time you called the Tea Party delusional or "crazy." And here's a hint on how to prevent liberals from saying Barack Obama is like George W. Bush: stop acting like Bush. Howzabout an easy one: don't take the same cruel positions as the Bush administration in court cases that continued after Bush was out of office. Howzabout another easy one: do something without compromising, like order a halt to any effort to drum gay soldiers out of the military. Howzabout closing Gitmo, like the President promised endlessly on the campaign trail? Howzabout not saying you have the right to murder Americans abroad at will? Howzabout recess appointing everyone the Republicans are holding up? An aggressive stance towards the GOP ain't just about words, man. Words are worthless. It's action that matters

We on the left who paid attention didn't expect Barack Obama to be our big liberal buddy Christ. We did, however, take him at his word on a number of issues, like transparency, for instance. Instead, we're supposed to be grateful that bills with the names of items on the left-wing agenda got passed. Look at this big-ass new law. It says, "Health care." Ain't that cool?

Finally, fuck you, Mr. Press Secretariat, because you should be wooing the fuck out of us. You should be trying to get in our underwear and hand job us with a smile on your face instead of treating us like a convenient punching bag because you don't want to offend the precious "real America" or whatever bullshit phrase politicians want to use to isolate and alienate us. Why? Because we're the ones that made sure you are the Press Secretary.

Gibbs said, "They wouldn’t be satisfied if Dennis Kucinich was president." Do you really wanna go down that road, Bobby G?


The Five Gayest Things That Tony Perkins and His Family Research Council Have Said About the Proposition 8 Decision:
And the Rude Pundit means "gay" in the homosexual sense of the word.

1. "Everyone in America--including homosexuals--is free to tie the knot. Our laws simply require them to marry someone of the opposite sex."

2. "This lawsuit, should it be upheld on appeal and in the Supreme Court, would become the 'Roe v. Wade' of same-sex 'marriage.'"

3. "I think what you have is one judge who thinks he knows - and a district level judge and an openly-homosexual judge at that - who says he knows better than not only 7 million voters in the state of California, but voters in 30 states across the nation that have passed marriage amendments."

4. President Obama has "been doing everything he can to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, to promote key aspects of the agenda of the homosexual community."

5. In response to the Judge Walker's statement that "Marriage requires two parties to give their free consent": "Why only two? Dozens of countries across the world practice polygamy, where a man can have more than one wife. Islam, for example, permits a man to have four wives, and that's the law in Muslim nations."

And you don't wanna be Muslim, do you? Do you? So let's make sure gay marriage is outlawed here, just like it is in Muslim countries.
Late Post Today: Setting up the theatre for Heterosexuals. Buy tickets. See below. Back in a bit with more luscious rudeness.


New Rude Pundit Play Opens August 17 - Five Performances Only in NYC:
You know you wanna find out what the Rude Pundit has to say when he's talking about the fucking without worrying about referencing Dick Cheney's schlong or Sean Hannity's sphincter. So come to the premiere of Heterosexuals by the Rude Pundit. It's a vicious dark comedy about sex and sex and sex, with three great actors in it: comedian Jeff Kreisler, Anne Teutschel, and Elizabeth McNelis.

Here's another totally out of context line to tease ya:
"Well, mystery adds to fantasy. Like nakedness. Like what might be under my shirt."

Tickets are on sale now in New York City in August for $15 in advance (and the Rude Pundit will be at every performance):

Click on the date to purchase tickets for the FringeNYC performances:

Tuesday, August 17 at 6:30 pm
Thursday, August 19 at 2 pm
Saturday, August 21 at 10 pm
Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances of Heterosexuals are at The Cherry Pit at 155 Bank Street. The show runs about 75 minutes (so, hey, get a longer lunch hour if you're coming to a matinee).

Follow on Facebook.

You can also see Jeff Kreisler at the Fringe performing his one-man comedy Get Rich Cheating.


Why Glenn Beck Needs to Be Repeatedly Cock-Punched (Class Warfare Edition):
On Wednesday night's fine television programme, Watch Glenn Beck Eat His Own Feces, the host opined about funds being used for things like libraries and parks while cops are being cut from city budgets. He got especially upset about $750,000 being spent on "an opera house" in Baltimore: "How about we get the rich who never pay their fair share to buy their stupid, snotty opera house?" (For the full effect, check out the video where he also screams, "Mountain Dew and Cheetos.")

This would be the same Glenn Beck who on January 21, 2010 said that the Obama administration was providing Americans with "a daily barrage of Karl Marx-inspired class warfare;" who, on March 11, 2010, mocked John Sweeney for teaching AFL-CIO interns how to use "class warfare ideas and tactics;" who just back on July 22 said of Democrats long-range plans, plans they've apparently been planning for 30 years and were just awaiting Barack Obama to make them come true, "Class warfare anyone?"

When liberals say what Beck said about "the rich" needing to pay their "fair share," they are called "socialists" and inciters of class warfare by people like, you know, Glenn Beck. Will we get to see Beck actually chew on his own ass? Time will tell.

Fun fact: The funds to renovate the Lyric Opera House in Baltimore came from a loan from the city that was voted on and passed by the people of Baltimore. In other words, the city, through its citizens, was investing in something that creates jobs and brings in tourists, which enhances revenue, which is what, you know, conservatives are supposed to support.

Bonus points for outright racism: Talking about Newark Mayor Cory Booker, who is black, Beck said, "You got it going on. Word to your mommy."


The Path to More Equal Equality: The Prop 8 Ruling Reams the Religious Right:
The defenders of California's Proposition 8 certainly expected there to be fucking when the decision was announced in the case challenging its constitutionality. Whether it would be good straight Mormons and Christians fucking missionary style in celebration of a victory for man-on-woman marriage or the revolting display of homosexuals in jubilation and fucking other homosexuals in ways that no Jesus or Joseph Smith-loving real human could enjoy. The ass? The mouth actually on the organs of filthy whoredom? Chilling.

What the Alliance Defense Fund team members did not expect when they lost was how roughly U.S. District Court Judge Vaughn R. Walker would fuck them. No, they couldn't have known that Walker would actually bend them over the bench and rip down their pants and, wearing a ten-inch studded strap-on because he didn't want his dick to actually touch them, fuck their asses raw. And the ADF? They just had to take it because that was the bargain they made: fuck or be fucked. Surely, this was a hate fuck for the ages. Strangely, though, they discovered, the whole effort made their prostates feel kind of good and that, even as Walker said, "God, you're such good little bitches," they were kind of enjoying it. Why? Oh, that's a mystery we shall return to in a moment.

To read the ruling overturning the will of the stupid and frightened percentage of Californians is to see just how a judge can use the Constitution of the United States to eviscerate the ignorant. Look at this shit: On page 6, Walker writes, "A state’s interest in an enactment must of course be secular in nature. The state does not have an interest in enforcing private moral or religious beliefs without an accompanying secular purpose." There's no question that governments are secular. Shove your morality, motherfuckers, and put your Christian nation up there with it. We're makin' laws for everyone here.

You really need to read the whole thing. It is a beautiful piece, filled with things like this on page 24, when Walker was talking about the will of the voters versus what experts have to say on a subject: "When challenged, however, the voters’ determinations must find at least some support in evidence. This is especially so when those determinations enact into law classifications of persons. Conjecture, speculation and fears are not enough. Still less will the moral disapprobation of a group or class of citizens suffice, no matter how large the majority that shares that view." You can't pass laws that are based in your ignorance. That's called "mob rule." The anti-gay marriage crowd really doesn't have a crippled leg to stand on. The minority has rights, too, and that's what gets forgotten so very often.

The syrup on the top of this delicious stack of jurisprudence hotcakes? That the whole thing came down to how Proposition 8 violates the 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which is about way more than just birth and citizenship. In a much-quoted passage, Walker says on page 135, "Because Proposition 8 disadvantages gays and lesbians without any rational justification, Proposition 8 violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment." Or, in other words, gay marriage opponents are irrational. And we can't have the irrational and hysterical tell us how to run the country. How soon until the "repeal the 14th" crowd puts this in their quiver along with babies of illegal immigrants?

Beyond the irony that Walker was nominated for the court by George Bush, Sr., beyond the new sputtering about the fact that Walker is gay (even if he's decided against gay causes in the past), there's another piece of the puzzle that Dahlia Lithwick brings up in Slate. Walker's decision has an eye clearly on a future Supreme Court appeal, and he repeatedly cites opinions written by that court's swing vote, Justice Anthony Kennedy. Using Kennedy's pro-gay rights writings over a dozen times, Walker seems to be signaling to the defendants that, really, truly, you motherfuckers are on the side of a losing cause.

Which gets us back to that moment in the fucking when the ADF, indeed, when all the pathetic anti-gay marriage crowd found themselves getting boners, getting wet, even as Walker buggered them until he stretched their assholes out. Now, they have a cause to rally the faithful to, a reason to fight on, and, most importantly, a way to keep getting cash money from the flock of oh-so-many sheep, whether they win or lose.


Immigrants and Islam: We're All Rednecks Now (Part 2: Latinolicious):
If you think about it in the most perverse, bizarro way, it's actually kind of encouraging to hear that Christian Vasquez was beaten and robbed on Staten Island, New York, by at least one Liberian who is a naturalized American citizen. The obvious hate crime against the Mexican Vasquez (who said the assailants yelled, "Go home, you fucking Mexican," as they punched and kicked the 18 year-old) is a demonstration that the Liberians have gotten with the program and melted into our swinish pot. Here's your citizenship papers. Welcome to the USA. Remember: we hate the Mexicans. Truly, the right wing should be embracing these African-Americans as immigrant heroes, people who have truly transformed themselves, who know that any unemployment or economic woes are caused not by the white people in power, but by those Mexicans (or, you know, their ilk). That's stepping up to the plate, man, and swinging for the fences of freedom. That's saying that, no matter how dark one's Liberian skin can be, the neck can still be red.

Yesterday, the Rude Pundit talk about how the ridiculous response to the Muslim cultural center being built near Ground Zero in New York City was indicative of how much we've all become a bunch of fucking rednecks. It's also one form of anti-immigrant hysteria, that recurring fear in this country that whatever population is moving here in large numbers will dilute the gene pool and turn us all into demi-human mongrel people or, worse, Mexicans. Our entire history is pockmarked with this fervor to deny American citizenship to people who the dominant race or ethnic group finds odious. Ask the Eastern Europeans. Ask the Irish. The Italians. The Chinese. All, all were supposed to drag us down into the fetid swamp of the mud people. But, as those violent Liberians demonstrate, once they got here, they learned to hate the people who came after them. It's the privilege of seniority, you know.

But, like midget whores who wait on a corner for the johns who have a fetish for little person pussy, Republican after Republican is getting on board with one of the most racist, redneckiest ideas to emerge from our current dalliance with a white power movement (known as "The Tea Party"). That would be the call to amend the Constitution and eliminate the 14th Amendment's Section 1 guarantee that if you're born in the United States, you're a citizen. Or, really, if your parents are illegal and Mexican (or Salvadoran or Ecuadoran, etc.).

(Fun fact: Section 3 says that no one in government who has taken an oath of office may "have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof." Michele Bachmann, is that the Constitution knocking?)

In order to pander to the nutzoid racists of the Tea Party, the couple of remaining Republicans who are undeservedly still considered "moderate" have jumped on board the anchor baby wagon (which is probably being pulled by illegal immigrants for low wages, but still). Lindsey Graham said that "birthright citizenship" needs to go. Even Wee Johnny McCain supports hearings on the matter. Arizona is ground zero for these Constitution changers. Senator Jon Kyl's on board, and some fucking Gomer named Russell Pearce, who is a Republican State Senator, picked up on an ultraconservative thread, declaring the 14th Amendment "unconstitutional," which must be some kind of gold standard for stupid.

Of course, the effort has almost no chance at success, so when Graham uses the issue to demonstrate some Tea Party street cred, he's doing it without any threat that he'd have to carry through with it. And perhaps they should all heed the words of Jack Kemp, who wrote back on July 21, 1997, in the Washington Times, during the last time there was a surge of anti-14th fever, "No aspect of today's illegal immigration problem justifies an assault on the 14th Amendment. Everything in our character as Americans regardless of our party affiliation, regardless of where we were born should lead us to venerate and preserve the structure of civil rights protections that the struggle and sacrifice of Abraham Lincoln and countless Americans produced a century ago."

The rednecks, though, from sea to shining sea, fear a brown nation and will do anything to stop it. But they are too caught up in their own bullshit to understand that populations shift. And you can stand there with a bucket and try to stop a tidal wave, but you're just gonna drown.


Buy a Ticket (and Yesterday's Rude Appearance on The Stephanie Miller Show):

Yeah, the Rude Pundit's gonna keep hyping this: Come to the premiere of Heterosexuals by the Rude Pundit. It's a vicious dark comedy about sex and fucking and sex, with three great actors in it: comedian Jeff Kreisler, Anne Teutschel, and Elizabeth McNelis.

Here's another totally out of context line to tease ya:
"I love this. It’s like a perverse version of a slumber party game. Like Lesbian Mystery Date."

Tickets are on sale now in New York City in August for $15 in advance (and the Rude Pundit will be at every performance):

Click on the date to purchase tickets for the FringeNYC performances:

Tuesday, August 17 at 6:30 pm
Thursday, August 19 at 2 pm
Saturday, August 21 at 10 pm
Monday, August 23 at 8 pm
Wednesday, August 25 at 2 pm

All performances of Heterosexuals are at The Cherry Pit at 155 Bank Street. The show runs about 75 minutes.

Follow on Facebook.

And here's the Rude Pundit and Stephanie Miller mocking Ann Coulter on the radio:
Immigrants and Islam: We're All Rednecks Now (Part 1: Mosquemania):
Let us mourn now for the passing of the days when we could mock the rednecks. As backwards ass country fucks, these assholes wore their stupidity and ignorance as badges of pride, penning songs to celebrate how immune they are to progress and how much they love white racist governors. Whether we lived among the rednecks in South or Midwest or West of the United States, or if we sat in our liberal brownstones of the wicked Northeast, we whose necks remained unburned could feel vastly superior to the rednecks and scoff as they wallowed in the mud of their own inbred pool of devolutionary thinking. When George W. Bush was elected, "Quel horreur," we thought as we ironically drank our Pabst Blue Ribbons and got into alt-country music, as if overcompensating for being made to feel unAmerican in the reflection of the redneck uber-patriotic mirror. Sure, we could dismiss the Bush election as the primal yawp of the yahoos. We didn't vote for him. They did. Our little island of tolerance was shrinking, though. Oh, for the comfort of the myth of geographical identity.

But now, with the surge in Islamophobia and the anti-immigrant tear the nation is on, we cannot deny it anymore: we are a redneck nation, even here in the supposed bastions of liberality.

Look around: in New York City, the idea that a mosque (really, a mosque inside a Muslim YMCA) is going to be built close to Ground Zero of the 9/11 attacks has driven Yankee rednecks nutzoid. Jewish groups have been circumcised dickheads about it, with the Anti-Defamation League, you know, defaming the effort. Joe Lieberman has been acting Liebermanly about it. Some of the 9/11 families, whose staggering amount of control over the architecture of lower Manhattan would make one think they all have civil engineering and city planning degrees, are agitated. And redneck politicians from all over the map are speaking out against the development. It's for one reason and one reason only: because it's Muslims. And apparently Ground Zero and the surrounding area must be a no-Islam zone because some stupid, deluded assholes crashed the planes there. (This is not to mention that there is already a mosque near Ground Zero.)

What's a non-redneck to think? It's easy, really. The Rude Pundit would rather a dozen mosques be built right on the ashes of the World Trade Center than for a single politician to tell him one shouldn't be. And he doesn't even give a shit about Islam (or Christianity or Judaism or Cock-Worshiping Temples of the Cum Gods). And, luckily, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who is not a redneck (yet), said, "I think it's fair to say if somebody was going to try, on that piece of property, to build a church or a synagogue, nobody would be yelling and screaming."

But, oh, how filthy we are with rednecks now. Mosque-building has been opposed by people in places expected and unexpected. In Arlington, Texas, someone set a mosque playground on fire and left graffiti of Uncle Sam and Allah fucking. (Although, really, away from a place where kids are going to slide and swing, that image is kind of funny.)

Here's the deal, rednecks of all income levels and corners of the country: you want freedom of religion? This is what you get. You want unregulated capitalism? Well, motherfuckers, telling someone what property they can buy and where they can build is pretty much as anti-capitalist/government-interferin'/fascist/communist/whatever-the-fuck-you-idiots-call-it as you can get. And if you really think that the growing Muslim population is gonna bring Sharia law to America, then you should probably stop trying to create laws against things like gay marriage based on your Bible and get on board with the separation of church and state. 'Cause, see, that works for all faiths, not just the ones you choose.

The thing about rednecks, though? They don't learn. As far they're concerned, they're right, you're wrong, and fuck you for thinking differently and using "facts" and "logic," you elitist pussy. Grunting, heaving emotion is what works. Shit-tossing instead of dialogue.

Tomorrow: Oh, so many Mexicans.


An Apology to the Woman Without a Nose on the Cover of Time Magazine:
Aisha, the 18 year-old Afghan woman on the cover of last week's Time magazine who had her nose and ears cut off as punishment by the Taliban for running away from her abusive husband's house, deserves all our sympathy, as does every victim of the particularly horrific violence committed against women by the savage and backwards men of places like the Congo, Somalia, and Pakistan. But, to Aisha and the women of Afghanistan, we owe an apology.

Time's editor Richard Stengel can say, as he does in his masturbatory little commentary on the photo, that "We do not run this story or show this image either in support of the U.S. war effort or in opposition to it." But the very cover itself demonstrates what a lie that is. "What Happens If We Leave Afghanistan," it reads, implying very directly that more violence like what happened to Aisha will occur to more women. And if that isn't a clear enough endorsement of the war, the caption on the photo says that "the reality it shows in Afghanistan is something from which we cannot turn away." The story itself is more complex, but the overall thrust is that the United States must stay. Or women will be mutilated. Even if Aisha was cut up while we were there. Even if our nine years at war haven't changed much at all for women.

We owe Aisha an apology because we have fucked up the Afghanistan war so badly for us and for the Afghans that the only meaningful thing we can do now is get out. And even if that means more violence against women and more repression, we have to do it. For we are now in Afghanistan in a vain attempt to transform a society that won't transform. And it's horrible and there are injustices and it's agonizing to see them happen. But we're not the nation we were back when the Taliban first took over Afghanistan in 1997 by conquering our corrupt puppets, the mujahideen. And the Rude Pundit remembers protesting and donating money to help the women of Afghanistan then. He remembers discussing whether or not the military should attempt to go into Afghanistan to achieve their re-liberation. He remembers hearing that that would be madness.

Still, progress was being made, slowly, as progress often goes, with women testing and stretching the severe and awful limits the Taliban government put on women. By 2000, negotiations between the U.N. and the Taliban had allowed some loosening of the restrictions. Why? Because the country needed to be rebuilt. And the U.N. is supposed to be the entity to deal with things like the mistreatment of populations, even if it fails at that task constantly. Of course, in every respect, reality was so much more complicated, involving the endless civil war, Russia arming the Taliban's opposition, and the attempts by the United States under Clinton and Bush II to get Osama bin Laden turned over. Then 9/11 happened, and, fuck, all bets were off.

We screwed it up, Aisha. First George W. Bush did by making Afghanistan into the Junior Pep Squad version of the misbegotten Iraq conflict. Now Barack Obama is screwing it up by thinking he can unscrew it. He can't. And now, Aisha, we can't. We have to leave. It's just that simple. We have to leave because things are so fucked up here, because we can't afford it anymore. The wars were the luxury of an empire bloated with cash and hubris. Now we have hubris and no cash. And every day we stay is another day that life will not get better for the women of your country, and we're sorry we promised that it would. Yes, there are ways we can make it better, but not this one. For what we are attempting to do, despite every effort to win hearts and minds, is bomb a culture into change. That ain't gonna happen. It didn't work even back in the 1990s.

Let's be honest here, too. For women outside of Kabul (and a couple of other places), things sucked pretty badly before the Taliban in Afghanistan. Here, in the United States, Aisha, the Rude Pundit personally knows women who say that their families will kill them if they stray from arranged marriages to get jobs or assert any independence. One says that her male relatives will kill her and make it look like she just disappeared. Are we supposed to bomb Brooklyn to change this?

So, yes, we would like to be the conquering heroes, the knights riding in to save the damsels in distress, God, how we ache to be that, but such fairy tales are not real. Killing dragons would be easier. What's real is an effort that will take decades to achieve, but one that can only begin in earnest once we are gone. We're sorry, Aisha. Most of us can't imagine your pain, your life, your fear. But when you're in a plane that's plunging out of the sky, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else put on theirs.

(Note: we're never leaving Afghanistan.)