Time to Build a Fence Around Texas

Now that the first Ebola case in the United States has been diagnosed, we know that the infection of the entire nation is imminent. Because of this very real possibility, it is time to build a fence around the entirety of Texas, all 3029 miles, in order to keep the rest of the country safe from diseased Texans.

This task will not be easy, especially since we know that it will be necessary for the fence to be double-layered and electrified. While its construction is happening, the nation will need to provide for thousands of armed border patrols and surveillance including helicopters, drones, and cameras. We have to be prepared for any circumstance in a crisis situation. If necessary, the border patrol must be allowed to shoot to kill any illegal Texans who crosses the fence into non-Texas territory. We are talking about the possibility of a plague that could end civilization as we know it. In this fight against sick Texans, no measure is too extreme. Quarantine is rational; doing nothing is not an option.

To support the work of the officers, the National Guard, if not the rest of the military, should be deployed to assure that Texans stay in Texas. Troops already located in Texas will guard the border and, eventually, the fence from the inside. Containment demands tough choices and sacrifices, but our brave men and women in uniform are up for the challenge.

The nation will understand that this is a difficult decision, but preemptive action against Ebola is the only way to assure that the threat doesn't spread. The risk of Texans spreading deadly illness is too high. Yes, families will be separated, businesses will be affected (although we'll construct pipelines to keep the oil flowing), but it is only temporary. Once we are sure that Texas is free of Ebola, we can slowly begin to allow a few Texans at a time to leave through rigorously monitored border crossings. We will, however, need to collect fingerprints, DNA, and other biometrics to keep track of Texans.

Some Americans may fault this strategy for being too draconian. However, should one Ebola-carrying Texan walk into the middle of Times Square or the National Mall and sneeze, Americans will wonder why we didn't do more to stop Texas.


In Brief: A Few Things You're Thinking (in Convenient List Form)

1. How much you wanna bet that there are members of the Secret Service who want Barack Obama dead?

2. Khorasan Group? Yeah, right. Prove it.

3. Any motherfucking politician or pundit who had no problem with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales needs to shut their lying whore mouth about resigning AG Eric Holder. But if you thought Gonzales was a cockknob, then, fine, have at Eric "Prosecute a Banker? Me?" Holder.

4. Yeah, well, shit, Bridgegate probably was something but those creepy Christie cronies made sure they protected their boss like he was a Sicilian godfather in the wrong pasta joint. So fuck us all for being hopeful that it would do the governor in.
4a. Don't fret, though. There's a ton of other shit that'll sink Christie before his sausage-greased fingers ever touch the presidency.

5. This sense of a forced march to the Hillary Clinton nomination is what Republicans must have felt in 2008 when it was McCain's "turn." (Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up. We'll all vote for her.)

6. When Ebola is gonna make us all shit out our organs, why should we worry about ISIS?

7. It's impossible to get rid of that sinking feeling that we've created an untenable, almost wholly unregulated capitalist system that is going to collapse on itself if it doesn't end up killing us through poison, climate change, or sleeping semi-drivers.

8. It's like playing a game of 3-card monte with the Devil in Hell. You know you're gonna lose, but what the fuck else is there to do?


National Review Writer Hates Lena Dunham and Abortion, Likes Hanging

On the Twitter doohickey yesterday, the Rude Pundit got into the kerfuffle over the efforts of Kevin D. Williamson justifying why he thinks women who have abortions and the doctors who perform them ought to be hanged. Like by a rope. Until dead. Williamson is a random conservative spoogebucket who writes for the National Review (motto: "When abortions are illegal, we will dance on the bloody graves of women").

If nothing else, it was unusual to see such unfiltered hatefulness so honestly displayed. It's like when a hog fucker no longer tries to hide it and just says, "Watch me fuck this hog." Or, in Williamson's case, when he said, "I believe the law should treat abortion like any other homicide," which is the same thing. Williamson will never be in the position to decide whether or not to have an abortion, but he knows exactly how to treat anyone who does.

What led to Williamson's totally not-joking wish to kill women - sorry, whores who have abortions was a comment on his latest National Review Online blog post, "Five Reasons Why You're Too Dumb to Vote." That was itself a response to an editorial the writer/actress Lena Dunham wrote for the Planned Parenthood Action Fund, where, believe it or not, Dunham said that protection of women's reproductive rights is important. Crazy, right? That a Planned Parenthood piece would be concerned with contraception and abortion?

Williamson was absolutely livid that Dunham would dare make a case for voting because "Voting is the most shallow gesture of citizenship there is, the issuance of a demand...imposing nothing in the way of reciprocal responsibility," which is why conservatives are absolutely determined to keep as many people as possible from voting. The fun part is when Williamson attempts to get snarky. Dunham's piece is "a half-assed listicle penned by a half-bright celebrity and published by a gang of abortion profiteers." And "Our national commitment to permanent, asinine, incontinent juvenility, which results in, among other things, a million or so abortions a year, is not entirely unrelated to the cultural debasement that is the only possible explanation for the career of Lena Dunham."

Now, the Rude Pundit's no writer for a magazine that's been trading on its faded glory since William F. Buckley wore his first Depends, but he's pretty sure that the only reason you would attack Dunham's career is if you don't have enough to say to attack her opinion. Williamson goes on, "It’s not for nothing that, on the precipice of 30, Miss Dunham is famous for a television series called Girls rather than one called Women. She might have gone one better and called it Thumbsuckers."

What the fuck did Dunham say? Did she punctuate the article with photos of her vagina? All Dunham did was write a straightforward, fun column about how great it is to vote and how it's incumbent on young women to do so. It's cutesy, sarcastic, and, in its own way, passionate: "Rather than go deep into a rage spiral, I vote. It’s healthier, more effective and infinitely more pleasant."

Williamson will have none of it. How dare this famous twat "express" an "opinion" that is different than his? And he reveals his game when he writes, "It is the so-called Affordable Care Act that has involved us in subsidizing birth control, abortifacients, surgical abortions, and who knows what else, for the strong, powerful, self-actualized American woman...If you get your politics from actors and your news from television comedians — you should not vote. There’s no shame in it, your vote is statistically unlikely to affect the outcome of an election." Ah, yes, that is a problem, innit?

See, what Williamson and all those who agree with him fear is the empowered woman, not just self-empowered, but government-empowered, the voting woman who has control of her body and demands that those in power protect those rights. Dunham scares Williamson and so he lashes out. Women having the power to determine their reproductive destinies, even with the financial assistance of the government, are so offensive that they must be stopped, even with the threat of death.

There is a sickness in such beliefs, a sexism and misunderstanding of history that goes beyond the usual right-wing spite for all freedom that is actually free. He doesn't want women to be free from patriarchal standards for female actions in creating their own destinies. Lena Dunham offends because she refuses to acknowledge that the old playbook ought to still exist.

(Note: The Rude Pundit is no Dunham cheerleader - he hated the trajectory of Girls this past season, but that's a dispute with an artist over her art, not a personal attack.)

(Note 2: Yeah, she should pay the people who are opening for her on her book tour.)

(Note 3: Speaking of abortions that deserve hanging, did you see that Family Guy/Simpsons thing? Fuck everyone involved.)

11 Years of Rudeness? Yes, 11 Years of Rudeness

Today marks the 11th birthday of this here blog thing. We've endured so much together: a stage show or two, an audiobook (buy it if you want to remember the evil fuckery of the Bush administration), a book book (the good chunk of which is autobiographical and most of it is still valid), weekly radio love sessions with Stephanie Miller, and so much more (not really, but, hey, who's fact-checking here?).

Oh, yeah, and about 10 trillion or so words about the filthy degradation we are all subject to on a daily basis, that sodomy machine known as the American political system. This here blogger is still foolishly optimistic enough to believe in the wavy illusion of democracy. But, to be honest to you all, dear, sweet rude readers, he doesn't know how much more he has in him.

The Rude Pundit wouldn't mind finding a home, a nice little place he can go to, where there might be, heavens, "payment" involved, maybe a Daily Beast or Salon or whatever that thing is that Matt Taibbi is working on for The Intercept. Even sharks don't mind hanging out with other sharks to share in some chum.

And it ain't just money. He's been thinking he wants to make some time to write other stuff. Mortality is an ugly bastard, you know?

Fuck contemplation for now. That is a future decision. This is now. And right now there is a midterm election afoot, our newest most importantest election ever in the history of forever, and more conservative taint-punching to be done than ever.  Besides, this whiskey ain't gonna drink itself. And this Molly is looking for someone or two or three to share it with.

Back later with more disorienting rudeness.


Who Is the Wrongest Person in John Crawford's Walmart Shooting?

If you watch the video surveillance footage of black man John Crawford walking the aisles at the Beavercreek, Ohio, Walmart, you see a black man, looking black, engaged in the black act of shopping while black. This black man's greatest sin is that he mindlessly picked up a BB gun while black and continued to shop while black at Walmart.

Here's what that BB gun, the Crosman MK-177 Tactical Air Rifle, with a magazine that can hold 300 BBs, looks like on the Walmart website, where it is still for sale because capitalism, man, capitalism.

That is a badass looking BB gun. Made in the US of A, like all good guns should be, except for all those cool ones we get from China. Yep, a black man would look awfully scary waving that around and pointing it at children, as 911 caller Ronald Ritchie said Crawford was doing.

Except here's the problem. The video footage of his entire time holding the rifle, from the moment he picked it up to the moment he dropped it after being shot by the cops, he doesn't aim it at anyone. And when the cops enter, not only is no one anywhere near Crawford, but when he is shot, it is from all the way down the aisle. Seriously, not a goddamn person is around him:

You don't even see him reacting to the cops. They shot right when they entered.

Now who was the wrongest person in this whole clusterfuck?

If you're an asshole, you could fault Crawford for mindlessly walking around Walmart with the scary-looking gun. After all, he is black. But, then again, you'd have to fault every white asshole who walks around mindlessly with a gun, Second Amendmenting all over the joint, like these white people who did so (and it took less than ten seconds to find these photos on People of Walmart):

The worst thing that's happened to any white person with a gun is they were asked to leave because Walmart sells alcohol. That happened to this Texas fucknut, a pastor, of course:

So, no, by no measure is Crawford even wrong.

The cops? Well, sure, they're pretty damn wrong, as all cops are who have been trained to kill everything that looks like it might breathe wrong at them. Add in a good dose of racism and racial paranoia and you've got all you need to do something truly criminal, but, you know, you're a cop and rarely does anyone blame you because fuck everyone else.

No, the Rude Pundit is gonna go with Ronald Ritchie here as the most utterly wrong motherfucker in this whole situation. A George Zimmerman without the same level of commitment, when he called 911, Ritchie lied to the dispatcher about what he saw, as he later revealed in an interview with the Guardian. "At no point did he shoulder the rifle and point it at somebody," Ritchie said a month after the incident, which is the opposite of what he said on the 911 call. He told the dispatcher that he thought he saw Crawford loading the gun with bullets, which, as we know, would have more than likely involved pouring tiny metal balls into the magazine. The dispatcher relayed that information to the cops, that a 6-foot tall black man was waving around a gun and pointing it at people at Walmart. Ritchie even lied about the shooting, saying that Crawford swung around and pointed the gun at the police. No, he did not. Ritchie knew he was lying.

But Ritchie took it even further, making himself sound like a hero on the local news when, in reality, he was just a racist little bitch. Frankly, Ritchie should be arrested. He yelled, "Fire!" in the crowded theater of our societal racial anxiety when he didn't even see smoke. And he is responsible for killing John Crawford almost as much as the cop who pulled the trigger.


Can Anal Beads Help Save Kansas?

It's all been shitty news lately, so we could use something to help us get through the rest of the week. And the Rude Pundit has it. Listen, children:

The state of Kansas is going to sell sex toys to help ease some of its economic woes. No, really. For example, among other items, the insane, right-wing government of insane right-winger Sam Brownback is auctioning off the "All American Real Skin Latin American Mini Whopper 4In Vibrating Straight Dong," which is advertised as "It's her turn to make it 'his turn.'" That means Gov. Brownback is selling an item meant to imitate a Latino cock for use in ass-fucking. (Note: Some of the links here contain dildos, anal beads, clamps of various sorts, and more. But you can get 'em cheap.)

So you may have read that Kansas is in the midst of a royal fucking by die-hard trickle down Republicans who took over the state and turned it into a mad economics experiment that has failed by just about any measure. Not only has the state failed to create more jobs, its tax revenue is far, far behind the rest of the nation. "The state had a stunning 42.9 percent reduction in individual income tax revenue in the April-June period compared with a year earlier. The national decline was just 7.1 percent," says the Nelson Rockefeller Institute of Government. Total tax receipts dropped 21.9% compared to 1.9% for the nation. That is almost all due to huge tax cuts that Brownback made on mostly the wealthiest Kansans, and it's left the state in the hole for $300 million just for the fiscal year.

Now, one business that owed $164,000 in back taxes was United Outlets LLC, which ran the sex store business Bang, which used to be conveniently located in a large Kansas town near you. But due to its owner's failure to pay, the state government seized Bang and all of Bang's merchandise. And that's why now, in one of the only states with anti-sodomy laws still on the books, the government will gladly sell you the Anal Invader with Cock Cage, which is "Not for Novices" (no, sir, it is not).

Perhaps the legislators will send their aides to pick up their packages at the Equip-Bid auction house. Imagine the moans coming down the halls of the statehouse as senators learn that their Tommy Gunn Cyberskin Cock has a suction cup that will hold it steady on their chairs so they can slowly sit down, their tender, virgin assholes finally experiencing penetration, their prostates tickled and pumped. For just a moment or two, they won't think they're in Kansas anymore.

Maybe Mrs. Brownback would like the Fetish Fantasy Extreme Clit 'n Tit Power Pump while the governor, wearing the Fetish Fantasy Doggie Hood, is balls deep in latex boobs with his Pipedream Extreme Fuck My Big Fat Titties headless bust. Extreme masturbation is the best kind.

Of course, the kicker to this is the defense that the Kansas Department of Revenue offered when Democrats said, "Umm, that's kind of fucked-up." Said a spokesperson for the governor, "The state cannot legally destroy the property." That's right. Kansas, a state with some of the harshest anti-abortion laws in the nation, can't get rid of the property it says it doesn't want. The state is forced to keep the thousands of sex toys or sell them.

And that, dear readers, is even more ironic than a man named "Brownback" selling butt plugs.


American History X, Y, and Z

The Rude Pundit was taught American history in his sophomore year of high school in south Louisiana by a crisply-dressed, porn-stache sporting Vietnam vet who drank coffee constantly, smoked every chance he got, and never, ever blinked. The first day of class, he took a dollar bill out of his pressed shirt's pocket and held it up. "This is what the history of the United States is about," he said. And while he taught what the book and the curriculum demanded, he never let us forget that the events that shaped the nation had less to do with a valiant march for "freedom" as a vague concept and more to do with the freedom to make money and all that followed.

When we got to a war, we skipped the battles, only studying what caused the war and what happened after it ended. That was all that mattered, Mr. Landry said: "In the battles, some people killed other people. That's all." It wasn't a wildly radical class by any stretch. It was tightly-controlled, sometimes tedious and boring, like most high school classes, but we ended up with an appreciation for how much fucking work it took to get us here. But we had no illusions that the work was done just by noble explorers and liberty-loving prophets, but that it was done by scoundrels and bastards, slave owners and abusive industrialists. Just as much, we learned that leaps forward happened only because some people were willing to put their asses on the line to make them happen.

In Jefferson County, Colorado, students walked out of class Monday at Evergreen High School to protest the conservative school board's proposed perversion of the advanced placement American history curriculum. It was an act of civil disobedience because the board is considering a proposal that would ensure that students learn from materials that "'promote citizenship, patriotism, essentials and benefits of the free-market system, respect for authority and respect for individual rights' and don't 'encourage or condone civil disorder, social strife or disregard of the law.'" You know, history. Last Friday, two schools had to close after teachers staged a sick-out to protest the proposed changes, as well as other problems.

Of course, Fox "news" titled its online article about the walkout "Hundreds of Colorado students protest history curriculum changes that would promote patriotism" to make it sound like there's a bunch of America-hating teenagers who would rather learn about the Black Panthers than the signers of the Declaration of Independence. (Difference? The signers liked whores and alcohol a whole lot more than the Black Panthers did.)

The protests are growing, though. Yesterday, they had spread to more schools. Today, even more students walked out of schools in the Denver suburbs. That's because, more than the conservative toads on the school board, the students understand history and that dissent is one of the most patriotic things you can do.

Now, you might read, say, board member Julie Williams press release in response to the protests, where she echoes every right wing nutzoid blog's talking points: "Let me give you some examples of who is omitted: Jefferson, Adams, Madison, Franklin with not even a mention of Martin Luther King, Jr. who was on the forefront of the civil rights movement. It ignores lessons on the Boston Tea Party, Lexington, Jefferson’s First Inaugural Address, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address and the list continues…" And you might think, "Wow, that sounds pretty horrible. Students should learn those things."

Except here's the deal: This is AP History. It ain't beginner stuff. Besides, who is going to leave out Benjamin Franklin and MLK when teaching history? As the designers of the curriculum said in an August letter, "Based on feedback from other AP teachers outside the Curriculum Development and Assessment Committee, we did not think it necessary to specifically identify Martin Luther King, Jr., among the post-war 'civil rights activists' mentioned in the framework. Any United States History course would of course include King as well as other major figures such as Benjamin Franklin and Dwight Eisenhower." In other words, don't be fucking idiots. It's a "framework." And it gives you the groups, ideas, and people you might not otherwise cover. Besides, "[t]hese and many other figures of U.S. history did not appear in the previous AP framework, either, yet teachers have always understood the need to teach them."

Yeah, conservative fuckheads, it's not a radical shift. You just have an outrage machine that needs to be constantly pumped with bullshit. Except this time you got called on it by the very students and teachers you are affecting.

On Friday, the group JeffCo Students Defending History are calling on an awesome protest to take place: "On Friday, September 26th, we invite all Jeffco students and teachers to go to school dressed as, representing a historical figure or movement that created 'civil disorder, social strife or disregard of the law...' and by doing so made our country and world a better place."

If it happens, someone send the Rude Pundit pictures. It's gonna be beautiful and more patriotic than a thousand teabaggers proclaiming they know history.


Note to Iraq War Supporters: Eat Shit and Then We Can Talk About ISIS

You know, every now and then, the Rude Pundit thinks, "Hmm. There's a chance these Islamic State goatfuckers are genuinely worth attacking." He knows, he knows, Christ, he knows that we are being played by our leaders. We always are, to an extent. But if the Axis of Oil (Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Bahrain, and Jordan) is sufficiently spooked to actually stop abusing women and outsiders for a few minutes to "join" with the United States to attack ISIS and this other group - Khorasan? The fuck? - then maybe this is real.

That's every now and then because it's easy to fall into the propaganda rabbit hole. It takes a fuck of a lot of effort to keep your skepticism when everything around you screams, "Armageddon, motherfucker, armageddon all over your face." It's especially hard to think about jumping on the "Bomb the hell out of them" train when so many of the people who are telling us to hurry up before the caboose passes are the same mud-coated piglets who lied to us or were conduits for the lies that got us into the Iraq clusterfuck in the first place, which, as we know, is one of the reasons we're waist deep in the big dusty again.

(By the way, the fact that the Rude Pundit never believed for one second that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and knew that Saddam Hussein was the grenade pin of his country makes him take seriously these queasy little doubts creeping into his brain about ISIS.)

So here's what needs to happen if any of us are to believe, not just mildly suspect, that ISIS is actually worth more blood, more destruction, more fucked-up soldiers, more money.

Each Iraq "war" supporter who now believes that ISIS is a threat to the United States has to sit down at a very nicely-decorated table, like with flowers and a tablecloth and napkins folded like birds and silver silverware and crystal wine glasses, all Martha Stewarted out, like with a fuckin' centerpiece, even. And someone dressed in a Marine uniform has to come out with a covered plate, one with a shiny dome on top that reads, "Iraq War," place it before, for example, John McCain and Lindsey Graham, some gung-ho motherfuckers with a constant battle boner, and expertly whip off the dome to reveal a giant plate of shit. Then John McCain and Lindsey Graham have to eat that plate of shit, all of it. When they finish, when they can look at one of the TV cameras they are so exhibitionistically fond of, faces covered in shit smears, and say, "Okay. We've eaten our plate of Iraq War shit. Now can we talk about ISIS?" Then and only then, yes, they are allowed to speak about action against the Islamic State.

That's the way it's gotta be, across the board. You supported the Iraq "war"? You want to get all bloodthirsty about this one? Eat the plate of shit. Gobble it down, assholes. You earned each and every turd in there.

The Rude Pundit still ain't gonna give this new war the high, hard love hug right now, maybe not ever. Not when all of a sudden there's this al-Qaeda splinter, Khorasan, which makes it seem like the attack on ISIS was just an excuse to go after this super-secret supervillain society. Not when the White House estimates only 20-30 Americans might be fighting in Syria, not necessarily for ISIS. Not when this looks like the start of another endless war. Not when we were supposed to have moved beyond all of this, finally.

It's gotta be frustrating for President Obama. Here he is, one of the only politicians who doesn't have a steaming heap of shit waiting for him to spoon up. He's the clean one among the shit-eaters, knowing that if the shit-eaters didn't exist, he'd be able to say, with clear conscience, "Look, these are evil fuckers who have to be stopped." But most of the country needs to pull up to the table before this whole thing will seem legitimate.